transformed

ok. i realise i have been blogging quite alot.
but i just want to anyway.
its so tough when your heart has to stretch and have more than one friend.
i fear to open up, i fear to even have a friend.
funny right? it seems like many people are close to me and bla bla bla.
and i am saying this here and will not repeat it.
STOP TELLING ME WHO I AM CLOSE TO CAUSE I GET IRRITATED.
even if you want to, im FINE. just check your MOTIVE. thanks for your cooperation. =]
ok. whatever.
but anyway, things are gona change big time.
especially after yesterday, the confessions and repentance.
this are a group of solid friends whom we can all count on.
YOU GUYS ROCK!
. faith. shuhui. moses. paul.
im elated and filled with thanksgiving.
i mean. look back in time and you will realise how different we are from the past till now.
all i can do is just sit back and enjoy what God is just doing in the midst of us and slowly to yyb.
i really wish time could stop now. just like the sweetness linger on...
it feels like a dream, i cant believe the kind of intimacy we enjoyed last night. you guys are the friends that im going to walk till we all grow old. the thought of that just amazes me. thirthy yrs down the road and we will be like with our children and all having family gathering (man imagine how big the tabke got to be ! ) then we will have mummy serene sharing all the embarassing moments when we were young and having us 'rolling on the floor laughing' then we will be having a super big yyb gathering and then train our kids to be the second generation green berets.
oh perhaps by then we may be travelling around the world and hardly have time to meet. who knows. the newspaper attention will always be on us =]

Is there a difference between a "test" and a "temptation?" (The commentary, Be Obedient, has a very interesting approach to this. It says that temptations - the desire to following evil impulses - seem completely logical. They are used by Satan to bring out the worst in us. On the other hand, tests come from God, they seem unreasonable, and they are designed to bring out the best in us.)

i was doing bible study through the net and i find this real interesting.
the difference between temptation and test.
test is from god and temptation is from satan.
but God also uses temptation to test us doesnt he?
i mean he allowed the devil to tempt us.
But he also said that no temptation has seized us except what is common to man
doesnt this tells us that god is protecting us even as we go through trails and suffering?
indeed all the trails and testings would mould us, from an isolated, hurt, proud and haughty person to a humble, a man of God and one who would love his neighbours and give up his life for his friends.
-in christ alone i place my trust-
shall we consider this.
is god really the center of our life?
when god really is the center of your life, when the outside world shake, you will still remain calm. God is shaking the idols inside our heart thats why we go through so much breaking.
but then again, its a process. no one can love God wholeheartedly but by the help of his spirit.
and God is interested with the process. many times we want to skip the process and just go to the ending because we want to escape pain.
but you know. loving God is not all about pain and struggles.
God is a god that loves us and cares for us more than any human on earth.
He deserves every part of us, every moment of us, every smile of ours, and every single tears.
He is worth more than anything in this world.

HE is a god that mend the brokened hearted people - like you and i - so that we may fly again.
falling in love with god is a process that is just so sweet because the love of god reaches down to the very place where nothing can satisfy but Him. - im captivated-
Draw near to him and he will draw near to you.
his love never fails and his promises never diminish.
but it takes a step of faith from us.
Though the world has many distractions but yet when you quieten down and evaluate the day, you would have found in meaningless.
the world tells you to be busy and be active.
but God only requires us to be STILL and let him do the rest.
jie minghui said ytd that our life is like an MRT train.
we are the passenger and god is the driver.
we may not know how to control the machine and drive.
but all we need to do is to stay in the train.
we just need to stay in the will of god and let him be the driver.
although there are times when we are tired, like the mrt train, we stop at a certain station and rest.
but as long as you dont get out of the will of god, even as we rest and move to the next station, the next station of our life, we will finally reach the destination.
doesnt it feel good to know that we do not have to do so much and prove to god that god, im worthy of your love? that we have to fight and compete with one another for the attention of god and love?
and yet when his attention is always on us, we took it for granted and forgets about him.
we took his grace for granted.
but he is a patient god. and you know what?
the longer you let God wait for you, the more you lose out on the intimacy with him.

but most importantly, i want to thank god cause he place yyb in my life and he has hand-picked maidens to walk alongside with me,
though the way we walk is something the world may nvr understand, its great to have this friends who share the same vision, same values, same god =]
i love you people.
may god strenghten the bonds among us and cause us to love him so much.
have a blessed day people =]

okay. it was confession and prayer and forgiveness and repentance.

I'M LOVING IT PEOPLE.

(J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y)

went to office today for tuition with jie minghui for physics. very fruitful!

man. on the way there i felt like fainting. it was like close to one i guess. i was sooo hungry. mum usually makes breakfast for me in the morning. milk with egg bread and i was so sick of it every single morning i will throw it away. today i seriously regretted it. darn hungry lah. i so learnt my lesson. ahha. must get my diet right once again. i dont want to fall sick you know.

hehe. tomorrow going with baby for tuition. yeahyeah! ate loads of rubbish. three honey sticks, sinful donut filled with loads of creamy chocolate, banana cake. yumyumyum. and lotus soup with rice. my favourite!

im broke now can. im left with five bucks to top up my ez link card. like DUH~

am i dreaming or are this for real.

maths wasnt really easy. i mean in comparison to all the practice paper i did. But overall, its alright. im believing in God - the one who stretches my faith.

its just like two more weeks, five more paper and its HOLIDAYS.

darn cool. theres so many things i want to do like...

ICE SKATING! man. ages since i went cause of O levels =]

then can enjoy the sight of people falling and hurting their butts. (evil laughters)

GOOD LUCK TO THOSE RETAKING MT TMR! - PAUL is the only one im aware who is retaking. hhaha. AP will be with you!

when we all stand in unity reaching out to the lost and brokened.

Not by might, nor by power, but by the spirit of God.

- i feel so secure when the hands of mine fits yours -

- i know that you are always there -

okay. im blogging again.
i don't know whats there to blog.
but i just want to type.
apparently, you are doing the same.
you don't know what to do, hence you are reading what i don't know im blogging about.
LOLL.
not bad ah the skin. hehe.
like what james said, abstract.
yeah. i like it.
but no. im not abstract. maybe not as God mould me into his image
and as we all get SMASHED into the bean paste.
arent the blog song just so nice and peaceful?
it just calms your spirit and soul.
CAPTIVATED BY YOU ALONE.
i remember the first when this guy brought this song to disciple class and it became our hot favourite that we will sing every single week...
oh. let me share with you more about my english compo.
hehe. remember the topis was HEROES?
but.. i wrote about my mum too.
haha. i mean that she is a hero that brave through the storms etc to bring my bros and us up.
really got no link one lah. i told myself hero is for guys.
but i was half done with the essay and had no more ideas and is too late to change a new topic so i try it out lah.
haha. but i know i definitely wont do badly lah =]


tmr is maths paper two. did alil preparation just now.
then we will have 'holidays' for two days.
think thats about all i can rant about lah.....
BYE.

oh yyb peeps. theres no paper on weds. wana go VP together?
tag me and reply!

hello Earthlings =]
ok. i edited the skin. and no. its not winnie the pooh
couldnt find one that can capture my heart.
but i dont think im done with editing the skin.
got ta rush. giving tuition to a friend
HAHAHAHAHA.
makes me feel like some expert
just watched romantic princess. again , dated darling to watch. but not together.
com hang laahhh.
ehh, okok.
had english paper today together with maths paper one.
SOMEONE IS SUPPOSE TO WISH IT HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUT APPARENTLY HE DIDNT.
hhha. okok. let me share with you the crap i wrote in the compre today. the after effect of too much crab last night.
the question i chose was this - HEROES.

and this was how i started it.
is your impression of a hero that of a man who is muscular, tall and handsome?
or one that we usually read in our fairrtales like tarzan~~
then i started saying that even a child can be a hero when he owns up to his mistakes.
many atimes we run away from our problems and don't want to admit to the mistakes we make.
and this makes us cowards - which is the opposite of heros.
hahah.
i hope htat the marker understands that because the boy owns up to his mistakes, hence he is not a coward , thus a hhhERooo...
YEAH.
crap =.=
okok. gtg. friend is rushing me! =]

why does such a mundane thing brings such sweetness to me? damn or not...

IM EDITING MY BLOGSKIN TOMORROW!

any wiinie the pooh background?

I LOVE WINNIE! =]

brrr. tomorrow is english paper one and two and maths paper one.

AP WILL take the test with me!

hahah. kinda sad it starts at eight in the morning.

cant watch romantic preincess!

The word to describe todaay- CRAP

i ate loads of crab! wee. im so satisfied.

nono. me and my tummy is so satisfied.

yeah whatever =] im just so satisfied luh

i nvr had sooo much crab at one go in my life before can.

thankyou mummy serene! yumyumyumyumyumyumyumyumyumyum.

and thanks to shuhui, paul, moses, faith, lovey, mummy and janah who just made the day!

=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]

- im just beganing to enjoy the little sweetness and a tinch of jealousy -

hahaha. whateverrrr.... okok. im so darn happy.

God spoke to me last night like through so many visions lah.

im so stunned

i just couldnt go to sleep.

the very moment i dhut my eyes, i see a vision.

and i was so shocked i saw the vision i opened my eyes and think about the vision.

then i closed my eyes again and i saw another vision.

its like for multiple times lah.

i just couldnt go to sleep.

its was such a wonderful experience =]

that a god so big would speak to me ( a puny pathetic human ) about my heart's condition .

HEH HEH HEH.

life now - WONDERFUL.

its the right choice to live a life set apart for him

and i dont regret it.

the song 'the gift' marks the beginning of this journey and serve as a constant reminder for me =]

and perhaps to people out there in the future!

goodnightspeeps!

i have a strong aversion to feeling like this. im filled with apprehension.
im foreign to such experience.
But yet i dont want to start erecting walls around me.
I want to vanquish all these giants in my life.
I WILL BE BOUYANT! =]

in the midst of this, God is just pruning me.
Now I understand more why you struggle like this already, the shame and embarassment.
in ways i am broken, i know i will not judge.
*On my way to becoming a better person.*

hello peeps! =] its the O level season and i guess many of us are , at a certain period of time stress . Let me share this with you .

Psalms 23
the lord is my shepherd i shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures
he leads me beside still waters
he restores my soul
he leads me in the path of righteousness
For his names' sake

Are you unconsciously carrying some bags that you are not aware of?
like the suitcase of guilt, a sack of discontentment, a duffel bag of weariness on one shoulder and a hanging bag of fear on the other.
Do you have some luggage on your own? Do you think God might use David's psalm to lighten your load?
Travelling light means trusting God with the burdens you were never intented to bear.
Have you ever considered the impact that excess baggage has on relationships?
How do you embrace someone with your arms full of bags?
For the sake of those you love, learn to set them down.

Let me share with you my story.
I have been carrying these bags ever since I was hurt as a young child when my parents seperated.
bags of lonliness, bags of fear & suspicion - fear that friends will hurt me and betray me and that they have a motive for being my friends - bags of fear of not trusting, burden of studies,burdens of the future,burdens of my family.
All these bags have resulted me to never experience closeness with my friends, even those i term as good friends.
I feared. and this indirectly also affected my relationship with God.
The relationship you have with your friends are the reflection of your relationship with God.
But as of today, i threw my burden to him.
My burden of not been able to get to the course i want, the fear of being betrayed.
I have lost too much too much because of these bags i carried all my life.
Its time to start life afresh.
when we try too hard to protect ourselves, we lose what God intented us to enjoy. i tried to protect myself by building a wall ard me so that no one can hurt me.I played God- i became my own God. as a result, i don't know how it feels to have a true friend.
i dunno the sweetness of intimacy.

God has a great race for us. under his care we will go where we've nvr been and serve in ways we have nvr dreamed. we have to drop some stuff. how can we share grace when we are full of guilt? how can we offer comfort when we disheartened?how can we life someone's load when we full with our own?
there are certain weights in life we simply cannot carry. God is asking you to set them down and trust him.
1 peter 5v7
unload all your worries to him, since he is taking after you.

STRESS - OR NOT
okay. i met baby at 8 to study till bout twelve? haha.
practicing tys just discourage me.
when i realised i started to count on my own strength, i became stressful and so i close the book and went home and TADAH im here using the computer =] hehe.
way to go grace!
I know AP will be there with me.

EXPLOSION OF MIRACLES!

shuhui is my nanny.
this is stupid. i FORGOT i was hungry till she reminded me to eat.
I FORGOT I NEED to eat till she told me to. =.=
am i that blur? haha. eating is a chore.
so nanny came up with a SPLENDID IDEA.
she is taking me out for lunch tmr. *SWEETS*
thank you sweetie!
i told her my doctor bf in future must thank her that im till alive in future. HAHA.

then come baby.
she told me must eat healthily (man. how do you spell this word ? )
haha! she asked whats my dinner and whether it was MAGGIE.
HAH. apparently it was not. maggie was my lunch XD

OKAY. HMM. watched romantic princess. CRAZE~ darlink and i went online to watch tgt. haha. we s*** tgt, eat crab tgt, play in the rain tgt. GEES.
its add maths paper two tmr! way to go! hahah. O LEVELS O LEVELS. kinda interesting, kinda fun.

i always have this thought that people are waiting to harm me. DANGS, i know its not true. well, enemies aside!

your tags, my reply =)
22 Oct 07, 19:03James: True friends are those who dare to say the truth to you though it hurts.~Agree!~

yeahyeah =) kinda tough to say the truth but that is what is required isnt it?

22 Oct 07, 18:05Miracle: I still LOVE GRACE:D

hahahah. i love you too dearie =)

22 Oct 07, 10:50Catherine ;D: hey grace darling :] go and see my blog.. i have a post for you. ^^ hope you feel better after reading it (: God bless.

wee, i saw, thank you for showing you care. hehehe. so sweet of you.

21 Oct 07, 23:46huii: * someone HERE loves her

where here where here? hahah. someone there loves you to0

21 Oct 07, 23:45huii: GOD HELP ME! I WANNA SHOW GRACE HOW MUCH I LOVE HER! SO GIMME SOME REVELAION! SO TT SHE'LL KNOW HOW MUCH SOMEONE HER LOVES HER!!

weee. so the revelation did drop from heaven that's why i know! hahaha. cool cool. did it h it you hard?

21 Oct 07, 23:38Russel: Being a controlling person or possessive and jealous can be linked to your love for that person/object?? think about it... ^^

haaha. yeah. we both have different thinking and beliefs. haha. so because of the different teaching and environment we grow up in, our ways of approaching an enigma is different. HAHA. so what you feel and what i feel are just different. perhaps someday i will understand your perspective =)

21 Oct 07, 23:36Russel: If that makes you ugly, wouldn't that mean that the world is ugly.. even when it is sooo beautiful...everyone needs competition to strive for the better ...

to me, indeed the world is just so ugly. haha. its only when we see that we are ugly do we appreciate the things around us and see that they are beautiful. if everyone thinks they are perfect and all, no one will appreciate no one. rightrightright?

21 Oct 07, 23:32Russel: NONONO GRACE, you taking it the wrong way!!!! you're not ugly!!! it isn't that bad to be controlling or possessive or competitive or jealous sometimes...

hahaah. infact it feels GOOD when you are in control. LOL. but thats not what God wants us to do. when we control and all, we are playing GOD. we shouldnt be possesive cause at the end of the day, the person / thing dont belong to us. and jealousy kills cause you to not have friends. One must learn to let go and not control. when you truly experience freedom then will one understand the sweetness of not controlling and all. BAH~ sorry

21 Oct 07, 23:30huii: "friends are friends forever if the Lord is Lord of them" the Lord will reign in our friendship and it'll grow stronger n stronger..

AMEN! SEE YOU IN HEAVEN XD

21 Oct 07, 23:26faith: I LOVE YOU TOO (:

I LOVE TOU THREE!

21 Oct 07, 23:18huii: i herby declare : " I LOVE YOU!"

lovelovelove. i hugs you =)

21 Oct 07, 23:15huii: amen.. ur past DEFINITELY does not determine ur future.. friends tell u the truth and it's for ur own good.. pro 27:5,6..

yup. but some people tear you down on purpose *shakes head*

21 Oct 07, 22:32faith: oh. love you darling (; hee hee.

oh. love you four

21 Oct 07, 22:32faith: i must say is hard but i will always hold on. is normal to react this way. remember how i use to be so jealous too? so yeah. i believe you are a true overcomer. all the way for jesus! (: (: (:

yeahyeah. all the way~ haha.

21 Oct 07, 22:30jem: ? nothing hahaha!! .

haha. lol! =.-

21 Oct 07, 22:28huii: i believe i'll love u more n more! and i hope u'll accept me wid all my ugliness too..

weewee.confession of SH! hahahah!!! okok. i confess too.. i will love you more in time to come. definitely wont be able to do it on my own strength. BUT! we have the help of GOD! hehe. he is the perfect lover and he ll teach us. boy i love your present =)

21 Oct 07, 22:27huii: u wanted me to have a friendship tt was different from the rest.. now i hope the same for u too.. my patience may run out at times.. but my love for u will NEVER n i mean NEVER be lesser as time pass.

hahah. is patience available at any supermarkets? then i can buy it for you thus it shall not run out. hahahahhaa,

21 Oct 07, 22:22david: proud of u tat u are able to say ur ugliness infront of so many ppl..

hah. yeah.

21 Oct 07, 22:17huii: eh.. sorry for the many tags.. but i jus realized sth.. u seem to be describing me too lehx.. lolx.. =X

sorry? hah. its my pleasure, YOU PRESSURE what. hahaha. but anywaysa, I FORGIVE YOU! hahahahhha. kidding! =X

21 Oct 07, 22:10huii: LOVE YOU COME WAD MAY..

come what the rain , the sun, the thunder. AMEN! hahaha.

22 Oct 07, 22:31MiNHuI ">: Soooo SAD... no more nice song to hear le =( ... GoD BleSs Ur O's LeVeL =)

BOO! haha. was just thinking of you this morning! hahha, you seems to have disappeared!! okok. no more nice songs to hear from my blog. BUT! lemme introduce you to this song , humble worshipper. try finding it somewhere in the net when you are free. hahah.

22 Oct 07, 22:30MiNHuI ">: cool.. i like ur motto..haha.. so get prepare to be hurt by me... ha ha ha.. jus kidding XD

yeah! i love that motto too! somemore its free of charge and dont need license one. cool hor. haha. not like MOTOR =D

ITS SUNDAY?! lol. haha. i used to nvr live a day w/o blogging. like blogging is part of my life can. BUT i kinda lost interest now leh. like duh ~ boringgg.... and and and stupid computer don't allow me to go imeem and upload music. ARGH. cant share nice songs with you people anymore!
OKAY. so its O level tomorrow :D yeah, I'm still here, telling you ITS O LEVELS TOMORROW. lol. so today was church as per normal and yyb. apparently i was suppose to have tuition. hahaa. but in the end went with baby n paul n issac to eat =) KFC! my favourite! did i mention i had crab yesterday again? hehe. and seriously i think you people stand to gain eating crab with me. cause i only eat the legs? hahaha. WHATEVER. if you know what i mean , you know what i mean. OH. i can wake up late tomorrow! he! paper starts at two. yeah two. means sweeter dreams for me. anddd im waking up earlier to watch ROMANTIC PRINCESS EPISODE SIX! so NICE LAH. WU ZUN SO HANDSOME. and only one episode is uploaded a week! test my patient. but nvrm. good things are worth the wait isnt it?
freak. control control and control.
WELLWELLWELL. GRACE AND MORE GRACE FOR ME.
man i love my name.
oh so random.

serious.
im an ugly freak. im a controlling person, competitive person, easily jealous person, possesive person. yeah. all of that. im that ugly. but im not ashamed to say it here. well, will you still love me and help me to change and be PATIENT with me? DAMN, i need TIMEEE.
sincere apology to people that i have hurt with my actions. yeah. im so capricious - hot this moment and cold the next. but this is how i protect myself. i didnt want anyone to get too close cause i don't want you guys to know me too well and then use my weak spot to hurt me. and htis fact caused me to not experience true friendships. not trying to say that my friendships now arent true lah. i mean. u guys put in your all. but i had so much reservation. and its not that im cheating on you okay. HAHA. whatever ~ but then again, jesus arent like that right? so im learning to change. esp to yyb friends =) you guys are my family and if i cant open up to you people in time to come as i learn, im in deep shit. YEAH SHIT. well, I will change and am in the process and as the fire burns, im turning uglier and uglier.but i know that this is just the process and the ending will be beautiful. may God give you the patience to bear with me. LOL
MY PAST DON'T DETERMINE MY FUTURE.
i will break away from my past and be a new creation = )
* True friends are those who dare to say the truth to you though it hurts. * ( grace's life motto)
many atimes, man fear and they say what the other party wants to hear.
well, i WAS like that. but i WILL not be like that anymore.
gosh. haha. does this mean im gona hurt many people? haha. KIDDING!
do it in the gentle way. and when i tell you somethings that hurts, know that i want to be hjonest with you about things and not boot lick you and cause things to deterioate in future =)
But if friends no longer want ot be friends with me because i dont give them what they want to hear, so be it. I did my part as a TRUE friend and i must have my own stand and not compromise.
WELLWELL. thats the power of rebuke eh.
oh people. will you pls tell me if u still love me after you hear the long long long rebuke from the pastor on sat? it was kinda embarrassing but i grew up alot due to that rebuke =)
BYE

GRACE and peace to you from God our father and our Lord jesus Christ The SEVEN pitfalls of GRACE's life and YOURS relationship studies career marriage children ministry the last temptation

sweet dreams and good night!

God answered my prayer

BOO!
GRACE is back, alive and happy.

thanks to PAUL , little pig.

WEE ~

I made a decision because you influenced me!

hmm. four years too much for me. I salute you.

But what ever years i put in, its not for everyone to know. HAHA

paul the pig paul the pig paul the pig paul the pig paul the pig - as self-claimed

I thank God that he allowed us to cross path.

I know that you will be a good listening ear.

YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL TO ME !!!

MY SPECIAL SPECIAL HANDSOME PIGGY

PRINCE!

I still love you whatever past you have, and i know you accept me for my past too!

and oh. i don't blame you. like it's not ur fault u didnt have time to read my blog? haha. apparently i told no one. but thankyou for reading my blog!! cause i know you are concern and the people out there who are reading cause they are concerned. HAHA.

THANKS DENNIS AND ELSON.

I guess its really so pathetic that you people's ways of keeping in touch w me is via blog. sorry. im such a bad friend. =(

dear piggy, come what may, i will always be here for you!

- oh baby. i can't wait to give you a hug and let you just cry on my shoulders... darling, i love you..

IM NOT PERFECT AND I HAVE MY WEAKNESSES TOO. I DON'T NEED TO PUT UP A SHOW THAT IM HAPPY OR ANYTHING NEAR TO THAT.
THIS IS BUT A WAY TO RELEASE MY ANGER. I DON'T CARE WHATS RIGHT, WHATS WRONG.
I WRITE WHAT I LIKE TO WRITE SO IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH ANYTHING, JUST GET LOST BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU DON'T MAKE LIFE BETTER FOR ME.
AND I DON'T NEED YOU WHO PRETEND YOU ARE THAT SAINT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND WHAT NOT TO - UNLESS YOU ARE SOMEONE I RESPECT. AND APPARENTLY TOO MANY PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE THAT SAINT. GET LOST.


WTF. $#*&%^&*(@$^$*(
YOU WANT ME TO FAIL I FAIL FOR YOU TO SEE LAH.
WE ARE MERELY STRANGERS WHO SHARE THE SAME BLOOD LIVING UNDER ONE ROOF.
BLOODY HELL.
DON'T PRETEND YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
ASSUMPTIONS ASSUMPTIONS. ASS YOU AND ASS ME. ATROCIOUS SHIT.
DAMN. I TAKE BACK THE FAILING FOR YOU TO SEE.
I WILL DO SO WELL FOR YOU TO SEE AND LET YOU KNOW THAT IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU CONTRIBUTED TO IT.
YOU NEVER MADE ME FEEL THAT YOU WERE ONCE PROUD OF ME ANYWAY.
IM NOT EVEN BORN BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO.
SO WHY THE F BRING ME TO THIS F-ing WORLD AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
WORK WORK AND WORK.
YOU APOLOGISED AND SAID THAT YOU ARE GUILTY THAT YOU CANT SPEND TIME WITH ME AND WHEN I FALL SICK, YOU AREN'T EVEN AWARE OF IT.
I SEE NO GUILT IN YOUR ACTIONS AFTER THE CONFESSION ANYWAY.
THINGS STILL REMAINED THE SAME.
SO WHY HONEY-COAT THE WORDS THAT TICKLES ME.
IF YOU THINK THAT RAISING YOUR VOICE AND RESULTING TO IGNORING ME WILL MAKE THINGS ANY BETTER AND MAKE ME MORE SUBMISSIVE, THINK AGAIN.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
JUST BECAUSE YOU GAVE BIRTH TO ME AND GIVE ME MONEY EVERYDAY GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO RAISE YOUR VOICE.
ANYONE ELSE CAN DO THIS JOB -AND DO IT BETTER THAN YOU.
IM ALREADY TRYING MY BEST TO BE THE BEST GIRL, THE BEST DAUGHTER.
I KNOW IT MUST HAVE BROKEN YOUR HEART WHEN KORKOR BECAME LIKE THIS.
BUT DON'T KEEP SAYING THAT HE IS USELESS.
ITS BECAUSE PARENTS LIKE YOU THAT TURN KIDS LIKE ___ REBELLIOUS.
DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK.
OUR RELATIONSHIP NOW IS ALREADY MINUS INFINITY.
MY LIFE? - INDEPENDENCE.
I DON'T NEED TO DEPEND ON ANYONE.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HURT I WAS BY YOUR WORDS.
THE PAIN IN THE CHEST WAS SO REAL AS THE TEARS ROLLED DOWN MY CHEEKS THROUGH THE NIGHT.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TORMENTED BY ALL THE THOUGHTS I HAD LAST NIGHT.
EVEN IN MY SLEEP I WAS TELLING MYSELF TO STOP CRYING.
I MUST NOT CRY AND I WILL NOT APPEAR WEAK.
I WANA HARM MY OWN BODY.
SKIP MEALS. BUT DAMN. O LVL IS COMING.
OF ALL YOU GAVE ME ALL THIS AT THIS TIME.
IM NOT SAYING I MADE NO BLUNDER.
BUT YOU ARE NOT PERFECTLY RIGHT ANW.
WHO LIKES SUCH A HOME LIKE THIS?
I LOATHE THIS PLACE.
WHAT A MESS.

AND DAMN YOU.
NO ONE GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO USE THIS AS A TOPIC TO TALK ABOUT.


___________________________________________________________

OKAY. IM CRAZY MAYBE.
BUT THE ABOVE IS MERELY A VENT OF MY ANGER.
NOW THAT I HAVE VENT ENOUGH, I BETTER BE QUICK TO REPENT THAT I DIDNT RESPECT MY MUM AND THIS IS OUTWARD REBELLION.
I DON'T WANT MY LIFE TO BE NOT BLESSED BECAUSE I NEVER HONOUR MY PARENTS.
I'M SORRY, GOD.
BUT.. I CANT DENY THE FACT THAT IM HURT RIGHT?
SURLY I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK DON'T I?
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HER.
BUT I MUST NOT HARBOUR ANY UNFORGIVENESS I KNOW - FOR IT IS A BAIT OF SATAN. GOD, I BLOW THIS MATTER TO YOU AND I CHOSE TO FORGIVE. TAKE THIS ANGER AND HATRED AWAY AND FILL ME WITH YOUR PEACE AND LOVE TO LOVE MY MUM EVEN IN PAIN AND BRING HER BACK TO YOU ONCE AGAIN.
I THANK YOU THAT YOU HAVE A PLAN EVEN WHEN THIS DARKNESS TOOK OVER.
GOD, I CHOSE TO TRUST YOU AND I KNOW YOU LOVE ME AND YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST AND YOU HAVE A PLAN FOR ME THAT WILL ONLY MAKE ME PROSPEROUS AND SUCCESSFUL.
GOD, I AGREE WITH YOU THAT THAT WILL BE MY LIFE.
AMEN

____________________________________________________________

AT THE FOOT OF THE CROSS

WHERE GRACE AND SUFFERING MEET

YOU HAVE SHOWN ME YOUR LOVE

THROUGH THE JUDGEMENT YOU RECEIVED

BRIDGE:

AND YOU'VE WON MY HEART

YES YOU'VE WON MY HEART

CHORUS:

NOW I CAN

TRADE THIS ASHES IN FOR BEAUTY

AND WEAR FORGIVENESS LIKE A CROWN

COMING TO KISS THE FOOT OF MERCY

I LAY EVERY BURDEN DOWN

AT THE FOOT OF THE CROSS

AT THE FOOT OF THE CROSS

WHERE I AM MADE COMPLETE

YOU HAVE GIVEN ME LIFE

THROUGH THE DEATH YOU BORE FOR ME

I KNOW THAT SOME OF US OUT THERE ARE HAVING PROBLEMS WITH OUR PARENTS, THEIR NAGGINGS AND ALL.
I WANT TO SAY THAT I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE I WENT THROUGH IT TOO - JUST YESTERDAY NIGHT.
BUT YOU KNOW, GOD HAS SET ME FREE, AND HE WILL SET YOU FREE.
SHALL WE JUST QUIETEN DOWN OUR HEARTS NOW AND JUST ALLOW THE WORDS OF THIS SONG TO JUST MINISTER TO US AND KNOW THAT WE CAN LAY OUR BURDEN, OUR PAIN AND HURTS AT THE FOOT OF THE CROSS.
GOD BLESS YOU THIS DAY

FELLOW PIG!

PAUL



i was suppose to come back home to bathe and change and go out again. But baby msn me pig's blog and i went to read.

You cannot imagine how glad i was. This joy that comes right from the heart. Paul, it has always been my desire to see you become so different and you were always be in my prayers =)

you totally surprised me with those changes - it was so fast! and wow. you saw vision and all. remember how you used to question whether the rain will stop? now you experience it! God surly has a great plan for you! I'm so excited!

I'm just so lost of words. I thought I will nvr post much things in my blog anymore but after seeing your blog, i just can't contain the joy that is just overflowing! DAddy God must be so joyful too! If me being a sinner can rejoice with you, what more your daddy God!

* We couldn't determine our past, the family we are born into, the siblings we have, the parents we have.

But our past don't determine our future =)

You did not allow your past to determine your future and you chose to be an 'A'

You know, your posts rekindled my love and passion for God.
Amidst all the pain and struggles that i went through, i allowed pain to overwhlem me and i started to relax in the race. But you rekindled all of it. my goals went stray. God didnt reign in my heart and i had other idols in me. But you know, i want to learn from you. I want to declare my faith of to the world. I want to draw broken people like you and I to God. I want to be involve in the revival. I want to give my all and my best for Him .

THANK YOU PAUL.

Your life influenced mine.

God will make you a cheerful pig too!

- The power of God.

Mentor once said that in heaven there are many things that God is waiting to give us. Only one thing is required of us.

ASK and it will be given =) aren't that easy? so why arent we asking ?

Im sorry i broke your heart. But now i know i love you more !

Meeting darling later. apparently i gave myself an 'off ' day. haha. outsiders will be thinking we are crazy cause Os is in a week's time! haha. but nah. we don't panick and we know we will do well. over-c0nfidence? Let our results speak XD

_____________________________________

Back from meeting darling! guess what we did =)

we went to eat crab! yumyum. so nice! haha. people who walk past us all stare at us. for a reason i don't know. our image all gone already! imagine.. our hands all stained with the juicy sauce of the crab and the way we eat....... XD but its so nice! then we went to macdonalds to study. But i flipped open the book to try to attempt the first question of A maths, i gave up. so difficult and its so disheartening! but i guess it's still not that terrible. afterall it's an OFF day for me.

oh. i regret to say that i neglected my diary. seriously, you cant be honest when you blog cause whatever you say here in this place where it is OPEN to the public does not remain surreptitious and i guess i'm getting bored of blogger. The excitement is just diminishing.

I wana write it in my journal and share my every sad and jovial moment with her. good nights!

-A TWINGE OF

DISAPPOINTMENT -

Trying as hard to forget - should I ?

- YOU ARE SO CAPRICIOUS -

I don't seem to fathom why

Met darling while it was raining. let me reiterate. WHILE IT WAS RAINING.

It was on purpose. haha. We met to play in the rain!

BUT before we met, it was raining heavily.

after we met, the rain only drizzled but the wind was stong though. hahaha.

we went to seletar and sat at the wet bench.

faith was complaining that the seats were wet. but I reminded her we actually wanted to get drenched, having the shorts drenched is nothing compared to the whole body being drenched. haha.so we sat there with the rain coming when we were just about to leave.

on our way home, we played with the puddles on the roadside. DAMN FUN! =)

what great day. haha. afterall, not having the rain, we are still contented with the puddles.

then................... i reached home at 4.35 and had to meet the rest at 5.15 so i ran to buy the present. which meant having bathe or not, theres no difference. haha.

had great fun!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOSES !

I'm so excited for class tomorrow! man. i fell so energetic i wish the day was longer..

okay. this post is gonna be all about pregnancy. so if you are not interested, just leave

oh. did i mention i may contradict myself alot?

I have always wished surreptitiously each time i think of pregnancy that man can be pregnant too. reason being - i think woman have to go through alot during pregnancy. The labour pain and all. Yet, man only get to watch the women suffer while they just stand aside. ok. To be fair- some claims that they WISH they could share the load. Others told me that the husband will suffer emotional pain to see their wife suffering like this. well, to me, i seriously would rather just suffer emotional pain.

hahah. okokay. BALANCE BALANCE. Women who are happily married and have a good husband that dotes on them says that it is a unique process of their life where a life is actually inside them. Well, maybe pregnancy is not that scary and horrible afterall. I mean, if you really love ur spouse, you will wana bear him his children right? And perhaps from another angle, its is a special gift that God gave to women that only they can get pregnant and give birth.

i always hold this belief that the child will have a special connection with the mum because of the nine months in the womb.

But the thought of having to go through labour for many many many hours kinda horrifys me.

Ok. Back to the topic. So having so many questions in me , I decided to look up on the web on whether man will ever get pregnant. and i chanced upon this.

http://www.malepregnancy.com/movie/

THE FIRST MAN WHO GOT PREGNANT.

He is now four months pregnant and the foetus is in perfect condition.

ok. Anyone in their natural mind would know that this will be linked to genetic mutation or whatever you call it.

Having watched the video, I had mixed feelings. Initially i felt happy and 'revengeful' whereby i said FINALLY man get a taste of it. but slowly, i kinda find all this thing about man getting pregnant repugnant. Its like.. The wonderful creation of God is getting into a mess. This special gift of God that only women can get pregnant is no longer SPECIAL.

Andandand. How would the baby feel having known that he is 'not normal'. There must be a reason why God let woman have the gift of pregnancy and not man. How will the baby cope with the accusations of his friends in future ? Maybe he may feel special cause he is the first baby to be formed in a man. Butsomewhere inside him, he will nvr feel complete. That he/she is not born out of love of the parents.

This is worrying me.

I really cannot imagine how our next generation will become. What a messy world they will be in where man can do woman's job and woman are climbing above man. there seems to a mixed identity somewhere.

damn. i have a voracious appetite. no wonder my friends said Im growing fat
%^^*%&(%^&#$&*
HAHA. okay. I really don't care cause i don't seem to be controlling the food i eat cause i continue to indulge on junk food every single day. let me contemplate how i will look when i grow fatter.... =P

okok. back back. updates. i skipped school today - AGAIN and tomorrow. (or should i not? )
baby came to my house to worship. or should i say she did everything by herself? she played the guitar and sang while i just... i just did my own thing. hahaha. OH. baby's skills improved. jiayou!
darn. thoughts and thoughts just ran through my mind - just like any human right? but... I can't just express it out here. we all need time to think. but whether the thinking benefits the person is another matter afterall. - aperiodofchange.

life is but monotonious. plain,boring, simple & uninteresting. well. at least it will still be like this till after O's. For now i shall just live with it. STUDY STUDY STUDY. man. im no geek alright. definitely not those with the nerdy spectacles. ohhh. perhaps i can be the new improved version of a geek ~

I think im having a strong aversion towards something but apparently i don't know what. dumb i know. but it's a-matter-of-fact for now. some indescribable feeling just overwhelms me BUT i will be back. i wont capitulate ! i guess it's just an inevitable process that i have to go through.

things definitely don't smell nice now. i can count the number of days to O level practical with my two bare hands. ( I DONT NEED THE HELP OF MY TOES YOU KNOW! THATS PATHETIC )

but i don't want to cry and sop ensuing from not putting in enough effort. and OH i won't. darling and i have already went to the 4th dimension when we get back our results. i can't wait to implement it!

people are so gona dislike us. but seriously, hating us wont make you any better =)
(those infernal nuisance - oh no. thats too strong a word.

let me think. AH! those small kids *shakes head* )

tooddles!

I was feeling down but now I'm feeling good. why the sudden change?

allow me to share with you what happen today that took place in a few minutes that totally brought me to tears - tears of anger and sadness.

i was having my evening nap in the room then suddenly i was awoken by my brother's loud voice as he was talking with his friend on the phone. i went out of the room to scream at him, 'oei. talk softer lah' and that erupted the whole argument. apparently, i felt that he think he was king. He comes home, he says he want to use the com, i just let him use.his tone will be so nice. when i wan to use, he just say wait. and the waiting can take up to hours. when i told him to wait, he said 'wait what. i want to use now.' and his tone will be so demanding.

so after we quarrelled i went back to the room and bathe and afterwhich i spent time with God cause before i slept i told God after i wake up i will spend time with him. so though i really wanted to brood and watch tv, i told myself i must be God's delight. Earlier on dad called and he promised to do something but he didnt and that broke my heart. so i told myself, this is how God feels when i cancel appointment with him so i made myself take my the guitar and i stared strumming.

initially i started swearing my scolding my brother and got angry at the way he treats me since young. swear swear swear and the verse that says ' love one another, bearing with one another in love' came. then i said i don't want lah. i love him he take advantage of me how? then cried and scold until i shiok then i brought myself under submission. i started worshipping and singing in tongues and i told God i chose to love my brother till his heart turns back.then He showed me how my brother treats me is how i treated God. that before I knew him, he died on the cross for me and love me till my heart turns back to him. so i chose to love my brother =)

i texted him to apologise for not respecting him etc and i asked for his forgiveness and to give me time to love him and he replied 'ok'. haha. but that reply was enough to bring smiles to my face. i know my family will all turn back to him =)

okok. all this picture you see are just random pictures while i was studying alone =)
baby was stunned i will go all the way to *** to study. yeah. i was stun too. and i left t he house like 6.30 to go there to study.
oh. in conclusion, let's just reflect how we treat our siblings?

my heart really yearns to be loved and doted by them but i nvr get it. People are always going.. WOW! you go two brothers? they must have doted you alot. but sorry. NO. but things wont be the same in time to come. people. pray for me and my family okies!
LOVES!

-million words

i ... skipped school on... friday.. monday.. tuesday.. & wednesday =P
LOL.
bad girl yeah?.
Im going SOMEWHERE to study tomorrow.
SOMEWHERE people will think im siao to go. BUT... im going... hahah.

okay. did a card for paul today when i went to CC.
intended to study but God says love first mah.
so i did the card and chiong to sembawang and meet him!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAUL!
ate there and went back to CC to study.people are always stun i leave my things there at the CC not afraid that it will be stolen. come to think of it. am i just being naive or plain lazy? honestly i prefer being naive. HAHA.
baby said she wana sleep for half an hour. BUT she slept till.... 6 plus i think.
oh. and i met a friend at CC. what pleasant surprise! haha

hellohello =)
Today was my sabbath day that i decide to not study. haha.
went to church and cry. people just hug me and i just cry. hehehe.
afterwhich played catching with daniela cause I hit her butt and she wana take revenge. ages since i ran so fast. HAHA! so then we headed for yyb. and had lunch with mum and it was pouring cats and dogs.
celebrated the october babies birthday and had cake! yummy yumm. i hereby declare that i dislike nuts !! eh. the whole grp of us went to pastamania and miracle, paul, me and a.serene sat apart from them. got to know paul alot more =)
then i ran aroung funan mall to get him something! FYI, i RAN. from the first floor to the fourth and back to the first. finally found the perfect present. wees. seeing our people smile just rewards me. thanks to James we had FREE anderson's ice cream! thankyou!!!
seperated from the guys and went to celebrate paul's bdae. actually im more used to calling you jonathan leh. okok. nvrm. so initially planned to go VIVO CITY to play water and get wet. nono. wanted to buy cake and bash him but.. i think i wont be spared as well so for the sake of MYSELF i discounted that idea. hehe. apparently we were in jeans and baby had to go home early so we headed to Singapore river. along the way i just kept complaining. -that my bladder is full! haha. Jon said girls cant afford to hold their bladder for long. MAN. tell me why. that i totally don't agree okay...
was in my jacket. damn hot. and the air conditioned place look so tempting to me so we went in and seated on a comfy chair and just talk and cam-whore and played. fun times always comes to an end fast. so we bidded goodbye at our station.
HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY JONATHAN!

on the way home!!

he is writing his journal! im.. peeping! ha

ohoh. nice right! show-cased along the path of esplanade!

anyone wana hire us to work? we are free and bored..

now he peeping!














LAME~ =P











jon dig nose! haha. kidding









reflection

that's all for today!
You will be a great and outstanding man, i know! Welcome to this big family where you are loved for who you are and remember the As and not the Zs okay! And today marks the new beginning of everything. New life, new friends, new paul. You are now a new creation and believe and all that you incubated will come true! Remeber we are going to the same course together! hehe. Then you will be stuck with me and miracle for three years! We will be here supporting you =) jia you!

- never knew i was such a dumb. tell me how much dumber can i get

composed a new song today. dno why the words and tune just came to my mind. quickly went to record it in my oh-so-not high tech phone.
i like the song loads. different style from all the others i composed.
shall record when i have the time.
my friend's at East coast. man, i wana go toooooo... i need a break.
i need to enjoy the nature now. i wana hear the sound made by the waves. i wana face the sea and feel the breeze brush against my face. i wana see the sunrise the next morning.
initially planned to study.
didnt study.
i'm tired.
good nights.

-life is a drama.

okay. I just came home from studying at subway apparently with a friend but she left at bout 6 and i continued till 9pm. real fruitful and learnt alot. heheh.
i seriously think I'm abusing my own body and health-or Im suffering from aneroxia.
esp when im not in good mood, i really can survive not eating a proper meal. someone said if i go on like this i ll become skin and bones! HAHA! WILL I REALLY BEDOME LIKE THAT? EWW. i ll look so....
woke up this morning and ate my first meal at 3pm.and OMG- i ate BREAD for lunch. cool. ate my second meal at 10 pm with baby. though i was real hungry, i just starved myself. and seriously i find studying on an empty stomach works best. the way i take revenge perhaps. gees~ then i will nvr have to worry growing fat.
haha! SEE. thats why i say my boyfriend better eat healthily. valid reason right!

Here is the analysis:
You have a complicated personality.
How ambitious you are depends on the height that you answered, which is: top.
You try to please everyone, the size of this personality as seen by others is very big.
Glass means fragile personality.
You are also down-to-earth.
You are an opportunist.
Your spouse is the one you need when you are in trouble.

- I'm a confused kid
- don't try

okay. so ytd i went out with OEC xiao mei xiao. (HAHA)
so we went to cafe cartel and eat pasta. APARRENTLY, we both love the words apparently so we both kept saying apparently and apparently, apparently aparrently.
duh~ back to the topic. so we sat and talk talk talk as a past time. met at 5 plus? oh-so-sorry im late. but i seriously think i look like i was in pajamas so i went to the toilet before meeting you. HEH. so anyways, i ran to the toilet thrice with my bladder to the max. and we met who she didnt want to see. *oh i miss them~*

my boyfriend better eat healthily cause if he don't, and i don't, we will end up growing fat! and when we get married, our house will only have tidbits and breakfast will be chocolates, lunch will be ice cream and dinner will be chips. EEWWWW ! i know im thinking too far. HAHAHA

so xiao mei mei came my house last night and APPARENTLY we ran into **** and she is such a TWIT thinking im the person's ****. DUMB. what ' i don't believe WOR' and ' BLUFF. how long liao?' gross. I totally detest such people. since she don't allow me to text her and scold, i scold here LOH.

the talk was definitely a good and fruitful one. I didnt know im so loved and she is going obsessed about me i appear in her dream every single day. ha! kinda cool. this means that when i go overseas for whatever reasons, whether to study or find a healthy bf ( preferbly a cook or doctor or whatever professionals) or RUN AWAY FROM A MARRIAGE, i know SOMEONE in singapore still remembers me! hahah! whatever~
lemme tell you a joke. if u laugh, u laugh. if u dun laugh, then go see doctor if there's something wrong with you =P
you know why marry a doctor? cause you get to save alot of money! example for ladies, if u are pregnant and about to give birth, no need go hospitals you see. just prepare a chopper and needles for your hubby to do operation instantly can liao.
why marry a cook? cause if he really loves you then he will invent many new dishes for you that is under your name. so damn cool. ( imagine if the dish is called GRACE - then they will say.. let's order grace and eat. EWW. sounds so wrong )
my sincere apology to people around me who are confused who i am. cause APPARENTLY im confused too and know not who I am. therefore showing signs of what is said like a pendulum. swing swing swing. so if you are my friend and you CLAIM that you know me? cool. cause in reality, you don't. but apparently, i enjoy confusing people cause i dislike anyone trying too hard and thinking they know me too well. i prefer to leave some space between you and I so if you think you are the one, this is for you - don't try too hard to get close cause i won't like it and the plan may just backfire. apparently, im not a book that you read and know-it-all instantly and neither am i a bowl of soup that once you drink it, you know what are the ingredients it is made of. meaning doesnt mean you are my friend means you know-me-all.
so like always, i missed school again.

- will it ever come true?
- trying hard to live like it never happened

apparently Im having my ass stuck to the seat and mouth chewing continuously.
sinful indulgence ranging from ice cream to chocolates biscuits to pork floss. YUMYUM.
this explains why my pimples are pooping out again. HA! i really do detest the fact that i have extra sensitive skin that cant afford to eat heaty food and oily food. BUT... oh well. i don't give a damn about that at this moment.
okay. peers are now studying real hard.. like REALL hard. waking up three in the morning to study till 6 then head for school? yuckxx... sleeping late at night at 12? God bless.....
okay. so baby and i went crazy ytd. didnt study much. my mind just can round and round thinking about loads of stuffs and being entertained by a special friend. HAHA. thank God there's him to entertain me or i would have drop dead.damn funny! went home early last night so.... wasnt really a fruitful time spent studying. but boy did baby turn rough. ok. GRACE, you must understand that BABIES are like that. growing up stage you see. haha! I forgive you :D
finally went to school today after two days of break. thank God my teacher didnt chase me for MC like she threatened she would. early in the morning right after assembly i started scolding some people while climbing up the stairs and i became the loudheader for SJ and i shouted ' shanjie is a ______ ' for you to guess, for us to know. ha! time of craziness yet again.
oh. we joked about my talent. guess what it is? the LAUGHING TALENT.
man. i seriously think i lack of friends. HAHA. like Im so pathetic lah. cant think of anyone to spend ****** with. not that everyone is unavailable. but.. nvrm.
on the way home, i was thinking to myself. on my 17th birthday, i wana.......... (*winks*)

sweet =)

this video was apparently taken that day we went cycling. so here it is.there is another video but somehow cant upload. it is just baby running around. but is so darn funny. nvrm. maybe you guys dont have the previllage to enjoy BUT me.

anyway, happy sweet 20th month anniversary to Daniela and I. Hugs you!

I have already booked someone from SP to jam with me when i get in there next year. so cool! then im gona learn drums from that someone. okay. THIS gives me more determination to get into that school and that course. wee. will be a DREAM come true. rephrase it. i don;t want it to be a dream. so perhaps its a... plan that i had that just falls into place nicely =) and the best thing is?? the course actually allows you to be OUT of class 65 % of the time. most of the time will be in the studio i guess? so darn cool and exciting!

- a course i like - don't need study so much - get to learn drums and other instruments -can go school w baby everyday -andandand can see that stupid elson (what luck) hahah!!!

okay. im off to study.

F off and DONT irritate me cause I'm not nice to irritate at this time