UP UP UP DATES.

Tmr will be the start of my attachment in Kelly Services at Jurong East, located in CPF building. im really looking forward to it, and im really excited. Most people will probably feel anxious and all. but not for me. cause perhaps there are other things in my life that are driving me to really look forward to it. cause i'll get really busy. daily from 8.30am to 5.30pm working my ass off and come home tired. then i will head to bed and wake up the next day and that will be my life for the next two and a half months.

One of the thing tt is driving me to look forward to attachment is the fact that this girl above has headed to taiwan for five days, starting from ytd. weeks before she physically left me, i was on my bed, about to fall asleep. but i began to think of her, how i may feel painful to see her leave and walk into the departure area at the airport. just thinking about it, tears were flowing already. i know it sounds mad, and a lil beyond imagination. but, thats me for you.

I told several friends, including her, that i was tearin when i think about how she is gna leave me. ( i know. its just five days)

she said i can dont go send her off cause i will be sad. but i know that she would love to have me send her off, and i had the time, and i love her to wana send her off despite i know it will hurt.

(actually, i dun really know how bad it will hurt. but i knew that i always have problems with seperation. and i wanted to use this opportunity-sending her off, to know myself better. to see how i feel, and how i will react)

And so i did. her dad drove us in the morning to the airport and we had breakfast. and i was really blur she commented. that i wasnt myself at all that morning..

When we arrived at the airport, we waited for another person to come. but it was gna take twenty minutes. and i just wanted to spend some time with her alone, without her family there. without anyone else there. and i wanted to go candy empire to get something. so we separated from them. I was so glad to have her to myself cause i know an hour from then she will no longer be beside me. we headed to the basement, and we played with the coloring thing. she gave me hers and wrote a note there. and i kept it. took a picture of it wanted to put as my DP on my phone but it was too painful cause i imagine looking at it for the next five days. it will only remind me that she is away.. so i removed it as my DP though i wanted v much to put it there. but i know it will hurt.

Time was up and i gave her hug and we parted. i walked away before i cld watch her walk in, past the security to verify her plane tickets and all. i figured later that it was because i didnt wana watch her walk in. as i walk away to head to the lift, i was conscious about checking how i feel.. cause my reason for coming was also to know myself better, wana know what my reaction would be. to my surprise, i thought to myself that its nt tt bad afterall as i walked away. i didnt feel anything. she will be back in five days.

i told myself, Grace, u think and imagine too much alrd la. its not as bad as u think it is.. so i took the lift and reached the basement. the next thing i realise, i broke into tears.. we were there together at the basement playin and talkin just moments ago and now she was gone.

SHIT. the tears just came.. it just flowed uncontrollably as i headed to the train station. i was so shocked myself. im tt weak afterall... sigh.

At this moment, u may think im mad. u may think that im not straight. HAHA, no, im perfectly straight. Miracle is a dear friend of mine who grew up with me since 11. and i always have a problem w separation. i knew it.. but i didnt knw to what degree till that day at the airport.

i always tell my friends ard me that if one day they are gna go abroad to studies, please inform me asap. cause im gna ignore them and not be their friend. cause it will hurt me bad the day they leave me. they often say tt 'its not tt i wont come back what'. nope, u cant rationalise w me that way. M was only gg away five days. FIVE DAYS. i know. and i cried, how pathetic i was. i guess its not something everyone can understand? sigh.

And im really scared. im scared about the future. M is just a friend... what if i get attached? it would be even worse. the intensity of the pain of separating frm my bf. URGH. i dun wana imagine. its gna hurt bad. so bad. so bad i dun even think i wana start.

and so, tts one thing tt i thank God for attachment for. it keeps me busy, keeps my mind off the fact tt M is away. then i wont think so much and miss her. wont have so much free time to feel. yeah.

next thing i thank God for attachment for. umm. it keeps me busy. busy from thinking too much :) yeah. but its exciting cause mum wont be givin me allowance and it will be the first time i spend what i earn. nono, first time i survive on what i earn :) i feel like i will be more responsible with my money, not spend anyhow...

Its exciting cause its kinda like a new phase of my life. and i feel like im growin up like that :)

I miss you M.

Good night everyone.