FEELINGS. STRANGER.


Dined with Lovey at Top Table today. that place rocks like XYZ. Semi fine dining. the place is just soooooo hugh class, food is really great and price was... ' GREAT SINGAPORE SALES' man! oh. i love that place. say byebye to buddy hoagies. HA! great thanks to lovey man!

Anyway i went for business ambassador interview yesterday. all went pretty well. am satistied (:

im not going school tomorrow! am going to office then do macro project then practice for the wedding then prayer meeting! woohooooo!

WHAT AN EXPERIENCE.



With heartfelt gratitude to Nattie, Shuhui, Eunice, Miracle, Michelle, Giddy, Donk, Russell, Julian, Daniel, James, Justin, Benjy, Gareth.

Met Jason after lessons for the briefing before the finals begins - 4.30pm.
As time continues to advance, the expectancy within me began to increase. Awaiting for my beloved friends to appear. One by one each began to turn up. Yeah, my heart was touched.

we were suppose to draw lots to determine who is go first and we got to present 4th. Nattie and shuhui came just before my performance and Eunice, benjy and michelle and Daniel turned up just when i ended. I was feeling rather apologetic that they came all the way here only to receive news that i have just performed so i wanted to do it one for time just for them.

When all the contestants have performed, they pronounced the results and i got third.


2nd runner up.


I didn't exactly knew how i felt. Definitely more on the negative side. i felt lousy honestly. As my thoughts began to crystallise, i knew i was very painful. I feel like im nothing compared to the other team - the one who got first. honestly, she has the voice, the looks, and she is slim. HAHA. i know this is rather nuts. but thats how i felt. i was confident that i was gona get either first or second. It seems like i have used this position of being third to determine my self worth. Self worth that i will never be good enough. It wasnt the trophy that mattered, it wasnt the money that you can get by winning that mattered. as a matter of fact, i misplaced my trophy.

as we leave the auditorium, we went to cam whore and russell and julian came. i was touched honestly. i wonder if they knew they would miss my performance yet they still came. Though he felt that he didnt do much, wasnt even there to support me, i was just so blessed.

the gang of us headed to Tampines mall to eat. i was feeling really low and i just had no energy to mask it up, to pretend to be happy and laugh. i just am gloomy. and it is all written on my face.

The girls were really nice to allow me to share what was in my heart. and they prayed over me and each saw a vision for me.

i knew clearly that it was not by chance that i got third. Cause God said that the king's heart is directed by him. There is no reason God would make a mistake.

Honestly, I prayed before i entered this competition and God was the one who prompt me to join this contest. That boosted my confidence that i was going to win. I thought that God was on my side backing me up. Then i realised that our God is not interested in the results or the ending. He is more interested in the process, the process of which we become more and more like Him. If i had gotten first or second, i would have been proud. so perhaps there is this smashing, a training to break my pride and holding on of achievements. all my life i wanted to hold to something. and each was just taken away. Be it my daddy, my mummy, or my brothers and even the babies. I wanted them badly. i desperately needed them. But time and again they were just taken away - G O N E.

There is this strong emptiness within me that with human strength, i tried to fill it. Only to face with disappointment time and again, making me more lonier than before. i placed my hope in my talent, in this competition only to face with strong disappointment. Im still walking through the process of getting over this. the feelings and all.

But to end it, i'd say that God knows better than I and i need not question Him. I know that years down the road, as i look back, i'd know strongly that this breaking was necessary.

ITS THE BIG DAY :)
actually not THHAATTT BIG.



WISHED YOU'D BE THERE!
oh man. its an-almost-impossible dream cause i didnt even ask you. BOOOOOOOOOOO.

* plucks flower petals one after the other and... *

I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM NOT.

i know. poor flower indeed.

THIS IS SO HILARIOUS.

me: Hoho, guess why i message you

YK: the message' hoho, guess why i message you' cannot be delivered to the recipient.

me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! siao! you also can come up with this crazy idea! so funny!

YK : the message' HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! siao! you also can come up with this crazy idea! so funny! ' cannot be delivered to the recipient.

me: THAT'S TOO MUCH. get lost. BYE.

YK:haha. relax. i was joking.

me: the message' haha. relax. i was joking' cannot be delivered to the recipient.

AND SHE WENT MAD.

i skipped school :) HA. bad cramps, bad mood. And i have the urge to do crazy things when im 'not in the right state of mind'. Meaning that, i wont think twice to do the things i usually would think for like a milllion of years. Remember the other time, i was feeling rather low and the thought of cutting my hair just came and i went to do so immediately. AND yeah, it was a huge shock to people around cuase from long hair, the length became like till my ears. This time round, i feel like pernming my hair. and i didnt think so much i just went to do so.

Oh yeah, so i permed my hair.

have been wanting to do so since XYZ years but am afraid mum will scold so didnt dare to. BUT ah. ytd seriously no mood. so dont bother whether she scold or not. dun bother how it will turn out. HA.

Afterwhich i went to nottie's place :) wooohooo. her mummy cooked chilli crab. oh man. so sinful. i just ate that like ytd with my mum now im having it again. HAHA.

Her room is like H O T man. And her brother is H O T too. i just like to watch him play the electric guitar. damn pro lah. i'd make him be my shifu when he comes YYB. and i wont mind sitting there to watch him from day till night. Had so much fun crapping, crabbing and talking about anything and everything. s h i o k ah.

After which went for dance practice. and we had kueh lapis and durian!

When i went home, i just chance upon the cinderella drama video that kor jordan made for me and i just decided to watch it. And that was when God spoke to me. That i was merely being back to the stage of a dirty cinderella. And god just spoke how he missed me and long for me and loved me. oh. guess what. i woke up like early todaey. i dun need more sleep already. i feel sooo much better after God speaks and comforted :) oh. man didnt comment bout my hair. or well, maybe she thought it was temporary.

IM ROTTING.



darn it. Am not feeling good since XYZ days. I hate to receive messages. So dont blame me if i take too long to reply. Cause it takes me E X T R A effort to just reply one message. oh and worst. to P R E T E N D im fine. Honestly i can forget im not fine when I'm with people. The moment im alone, ARGH - that feeling again.


I feel sucky, i feel ugly, i feel like a M ON S T E R. ( okay, thats exaggerating )
OH. ONE WARNING. If anyone plans to lecture me or whatsoever for what im feeling, spare it. Cause i skip lectures.


Aiyah, i just wana isolate myself from all you humans out there can. i have been sleeping for more than 10 hrs a day. A brand new day just XYZ.


Anyway, im off from FA and prayer meetings for a month to sxtudy. Like R E A L L Y , R E A L L Y study (: Im a good girl. and YEAH. i MISS them. i wonder whats for FA yesterday i wished i was there - or not. Well, i bet dinner was great (: And of course, its the company and the love thats the BEST.


OHOHOHOHOHOHOH. i better go seek God and get myself rid of all this stupid feelings. Learn to open my heart to love again. damn. hurts and pains are ( fill in the blanks ) They are the culprit ok.


i hereby declare that no human can use anything written up there against me. oh whatever.

Im human too. unless you can prove to ME that you are void of all sadness and hurts and pain and sorrow,which then again, only mean that you are not human, don't try to give me a piece of yourself.

Practiced with Jason yesterday for the finals. And we are only getting better and better. remember the first time when we practice at the IT school there, we both were like struggling cause both of us has different styles of playing etc and he had to compromise with me, with my style. HAHA. he was like. aiyah. i teach you to play then you play yourself lah. ( HAHA ) thanks lah. Yesterday was really great. and honestly, we only get better. WOOHOO! And dont be to stress up for your comm skill test lah. i know its important but being too stressed up also no use. GOOD LUCK! (:

Have you ever felt painful in the midst of loving someone?
I bet everyone has. Be it a friend, a lover, a sibling, an animal.
If one has never felt the pain before, then he hasnt truly love before. Or perhaps i would say, before you allowed the pain to reach you, you chose to break that relationship.




LOVE IS NEVER A BED OF ROSES.

If only it was. Perhaps it would make this world a happier place to be in.
LOVE is something many embraces. Yet I belong to the category where love is my greatest fear.
Each time you love, you entitle that someone to pierce a knife through your heart, time and time again. Sometimes one would wonder, if that is the case, wouldnt is be safest if one chose never to love, and to keep this heart in a closet? Of course it would be. But that is also where problem lies. Cause its love that keep our heart alive. God allowed pain. And each pain we encouter, whether it is betrayal, lies, anger, it causes us to reflect on how we treat Him and thus draw us closer to Him.



Take for example, we love a friend, and we experience pain from betrayal. Then we turn to God and give Him this pain and He will use this encounter to teach us something. That as a human, sinful as we are, we could still love. And when we become vulnerable to love this friend, we experience betrayal. How much more the pure and faultless God, who loved us and experience betrayal from us time and time again.



I know i often disappoint Him, broken his heart time and again, yet he is ever so gentle with me. I know I made use of HIm for my studies. Yet his love is still so extravagant.



didnt attended macroecoms lecture. oh dangs. my dressing is getting more and more mundane. rewearing almost what i wear every other week. if you dont know, when im down, i dress down. i hate to walk out of the house dressing nice when i obviously dont feel good at all. IM SICK! anyway, for macro lecture, our course manager came to give a talk to us regarding our choosing of course next year. i really duno what i want man.

Bump into yun kwang on the bus this morning. Crap like siao. hopefully if i ever get into accounting and finance he can be my shifu. HEHE. And he did very well for year 1 so he got some cert. MAN, YOU ARE MY ROLE MODEL :) I think he is coming to YYB. afterall he didnt give me a direct no. HOHOHOHO! He's gona be my supporter on 28th july!

Its....... five more days to finals! eh. im thinking about including tambourines.

P.S. love no more.

Sweet seventeen was a B L A S T.

I cried so much.

Heart was so touched by this precious group of friends.

WILL UPDATE IN DETAIL SOON.

sunday

churched as per normal. After service, rebec, son and grandson wanted to gimme a surprise so i went with them for lunch after service before yyb. and so we took bus. the four of us. they were contemplating whether they should give me the surprise then. grandson said no. cause WE WERE ON THE BUS and its so not the right atmosphere. like not sweet kinda thing. haha. SO FUNNY!

and so we arrived at the bus stop and there they gave me the surprise :) and it was.. a pretty esprit watch. ang zomg i tell you. the watch box is so pretty. argh. everything is just... pretty. HEHE. rebec put on the watch for me. son said that he saw the heart shape in the watch and he knew he had to get it for me. and grandson wanted to offer me a ****. HAHAHAH. so damn funny.WOOHOO :) im sooooooo happy...

Dad and Mum bought me a sling bag! somtehing i wanted to get since the beginning of the year lah! ZOMG! and of course, i had two celebrations for my bdae this year with dad and mum cause kor bengy got to go overseas on my bdae so he feels bad thus there is an advance celebration last sunday. and this week, Dad and mum brought me to kack's place!! yummy. their things are so expensive but amount quite little siah.

so amazing. i was so not looking forward to my birthday. But am so satisfied. Eunice and Nat was trying to convince me there will not a surprise tmr. only dinner. HAHA. cause im too smart. oh well. Whether there is or not, i guess im already very satisfied. never felt this way before. ohwell.

Grace Lin Yan Jun skipped school today :) i overslept, again.

anyway my eyes are oh-so-puffy now. had a big cry last night on my bed. was so moody i didnt ( i forgot) to bring lesley down for a walk. and he kept barking from the time i step into my room to sleepat 10 to 11 plus. i cant even sleep a wink. darn it. called mummy. she ended wal;k at eleven and ask her to bring the dog down when she returns. she was of course not too happy lah. i learnt my lesson.

As for finals, Jason will be my guitarist. woohoo!

let me share my experience yesterday. My number one fan, Lovey came to support me. and she brought a friend along :) oh she is so sweet. the judges were our lecturers. they were so nice please. Mr kelvin was so nice to ask me if i needed a chair over the phone cause im playing the guitar while singing and indeed a chair was provided. i reckon i was the only one who used the chair. HEHEHE.
so i was actually the last contestant. didnt manage to see the others except one of the team before me. consisting of three males, two guitarist, one lead singer. He has got a really great voice! (thumbs up) just that the song was too constant, and there was no climax. But its still good cause afterall, it was thier masterpiece, own composed song :)

afterwhich it was my turn. so mr lim placed a chair for me and arranged the chair and microphone. they were kind enough to give us a try out to calm our nerves first. one of the lady judge was asking ' so grace, you aare a freshie ah? ' i proudly said YES and gave a confident smile. HAHA. i really am proud of myself okay. Maybe this was to make up for the lost of opportunity when i was in secondary one and the school held a northland idol contest. But this time round its still different cause its my own composed song, showing the world my masterpiece.

of course, not forgetting that its not about me. Without the help of AP, the song would not have turned out the way it would, i will not have the creativity to let the song stand out amidst the rest :) i myself was impressed okay. HAHA. impressed with how God can put the whole song together.

so back to the topic, so i went on stage and did a try out. and i sang the whole song. i was shivering. Thank God for the advice eunice gave me to sit on a chair. if not i would have been more nervous. AND NOT FORGETTING, my secret of not wearing contact lens each time im on stage. HAHA. since secondary school dance performance, i would nvr wear my lenses thus i cant see far and in fact i cant see faces. HAHA. reduces my fear and increases my confidence. cause i wont be busy wondering who is looking at me and what are they thinking. oh, i sang the song to fazleena at the stairs near the CSA room after everyone left. she was shock. HAHA. she said she had never seen this side of me before and she said the song was very nice! WOOHOO! she said i should go and expose myself to the media. so funny.

anyway, sorry for the change of topic. ER. my voice shivered on stage, i was trying to concentrate by staring at the mic and not think about anything else. after the try out, the lady judge, who apparently was lovey's comm skills teacher told me that i have to pronounce my words clearer. so now it was the real thing. AND GUESS WHAT. THEY ACTUALLY RECORDED IT. more pressure upon me lah!

so i sang. this time round, i remembered eunice's advice to look at the audience and SMILE and not look at my guitar cause its very not professional! and that i did. i threw a short prayer and i started. alittle fearful once in awhile. But i look at the audience, the judges, my friends and SMILED! there was a point when my smile kinda shivered too. HA. whats worst is... i didnt take care of my voice. i was falling ill. and was having a slight sore throat. My song didnt went really well. only Lovey's friend and I knew it. HAHA. but it would only get better the next time round :)

everyone was like paying attention lah. so cool. HAH. its so different from dancing cuse everyone dress the same and put on thick make up its hard to see who is who. but this time round, many pair of eyes are on you. THANK GOD i didnt wear contact lens. when i ended the lady judge told me ' i will see you on the 28th july ' i was like jumping with joy please. HAHA. but he said i must practice on my words pronounciation.

AND SO FINALS IS ON THE 28th JULY, MONDAY

:) think its about 5pm. asked jason to be my guitarist. in that way, i can concentrate better and do a better job. afterall im more use to just singing without the guitar. HAHA. I think the winner is judged through the number of votes. dangs. i hardly know anyone in TP please. But nottie and rebec said they will ask their TP friends support me. SO FUNNY PLEASE! but of course, my greatest wish is that my friends will come and support me in the finals :) and of course, if its the voting system, people will vote for me!

all in all, the whole experience was just wonderful. actually its not as scary as it seems to be. like we always watch on tv about the superstar and all. its not that hard afterall. Im still me kinda thing. and im so glad i didnt wait till im in year three or what to join this contest. woohoo! as i recall how i was actually struggling to koin this contest to the prayers and visions to the cancelling of the auditions to the final stage when im REALLY on stage presenting my song, its just.. a walk to remember. teehee. okay. now its finals. Im aiming to be the top :) if not, top three. OKAY jason? CHEERS!

celebrated Bernice's bdae ytd. we MADE HER CRY! so sweet. we are all just so happy to see her cry ( sounds sadistic) but we are all glad and seeing her loved makes everything worthwhile. orrhhh so sweet. how i wish the night was longer so perhaps a longer night will allow us to love her for a longer time :) i bet God has done something in her heart.

You Know Better Than I:
I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I choose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So i put up a fight

And told you how to help me
Now just when i have given up
The truth is coming clear

Chorus 1:
You know better than i
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I
If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowingI don't know
is part of getting through


I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing i can do
Is to put my trust in You.

Chorus 2
For, You know better than i
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

Coda:I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that i could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If i let You reach me
Will You teach me.

(Repeat Chorus )
For, You know better than i
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I


& i got into the finals.

a little of me

LIFE is such that, every one has their own special story to share.

As i was texting a beloved friend of mine, as i told her more about myself, i realise more about myself. i had always knew i was like this. But now i REALLY see it.

Ever since dad left when i was young, nature taught me to shut my heart up. Nature taught to never allow someone to come too close - too close to my heart. Nature taught me to protect myself from being hurt - again. to prevent history from repeating itself. As far as i have lived, i was an always smiley girl. I seemingly was the head and in control, i seemingly had many friends, but yet who would realise that i was but a lonely girl within.

i wanted a friend who would understand and just be there. Yet with each human that i look to, i could only but be disappointed. Which gave me even more pain. But every one in this world is just searching for a zi ji, afriend who just understand without you saying much. i guess really arent a sin. but of course we cant let the person become our idol.

as the years passed, i began to be a very good listening ear. I love to listen to the heart beat of others. i love to lend them my shoulder to cry on, to offer a hug in times of trouble. to each and everyone of them, i would just stretch out my arms to at least try to pick them up. I could almost read them like a book.

When troubles come for me, my friends would want to hear my heart out too. and it was then that they feel like i was very evasive. No one knew me. i didnt allowed anyone to step into my heart before. As long as i can, i only want to protect myself. Perhaps even till now, i have not recovered totally from this sickness.

Each time i foresee pain i just want to cut the person away. Yet who can deny, that pain is the best teacher to help us grow.

i pray that this time, with the help of beloved, we can all do this together :)

AUDITION IS AFTER SCHOOL FOR ME LATER! pray all goes well!

reality is that im not as strong as i appear

Had prayer meeting on Friday and after worship the pastor got us to pray over one another and prophesies to each other. i went over to lovey seeing her sitting alone. He prayed over her first and while lovey was praying in tongues for me, he tap on my hands to get my attention and the Lord spoke to me through Him. God confirmed something in my life that i have been struggling for as long as i knew. But now that God has confirmed it, i duno how to react to it. Perhaps if i didnt know, there will be lesser pain? let the saying goes, ignorance is bliss.

Went to VP at aunty Flo's place. celebrated July babies and mum gave us a bracelet. but mine was kinda small so i went to the watch shop to make some changes. while i was waiting, an indian man came to purchase a prepaid card. The shop owner told him it was $27 bucks and he was busy with the bracelet so the man said he had not enough money and he left. After awhile, the shop owner realise he was cheated. it turned out that the indian man changed the new prepaid card for a used one while the shop owner was distracted with my bracelet and he left shortly after pretending he had not enough money. It happened just before my eyes man. i was furious.

To love is to first learn to listen

met luffy, accion GL on the bus on the way to school today. He looks older than his age man. I used to think his name was spelled as LAUGHY. And he forgot my name. OH WELL. i went around counting down to ppl my birthday. And i did the same thing to Luffy. hohoho. He said he is gona give me a present. AHAHA. but who knows right.

Anyhow, met Daniela for dinner. Eh. kinda busy changing my blog skin and all and didnt really spend time with her. But the best part was this. while i was talking to her, she kept sneezing. and i said in a joking manner that it was so rude of her to sneeze while i talk. totally no respect. TEEHEE. She asked me how i was gna celebrate my birthday. I was like. I duno. i will be rushing projects on my birthday :( but i know that every single birthday is special on its own :) B.acc exams is on 21st july. Go Grace Go!

Woke up late for school today. set my alarm clock to 6.25 PM. siao man. so didnt attend lecture. there's csa lecture tomorrow at 9 eh. so far only attended once since school started. But heard that they took two attendance already. of which i was not present. URGH, i better be there tomorrow.
Dangsdangssdangs. The submission date for the song composing is tomorrow. and i havent composed yet. OH well. i sure will be able to squeeze something out by tomorrow. and jason, i totally love ur guitar :)

havent i done this
a thousand times and more
havent i done this
a million times and more

and all you said to me was i love you
melted my sin and shame away

jesus you are my everything
jesus light the fire again
i want to know u more each day

oh boy. the song is half cut away. oh well. upload again another time. heh. so this is considered a preview? haha.
Borrowed guitar from jason. joining the songwriting competition :)

IM SORRY, DAD

i kinda had a quarrel with him. i wanted to go to the CC but i told him the internet connection may not work but he insist on going to mac then he start to nag at me. got so pissed off and showed him attitude. but slowly kinda cooled off. afterall whether i go CC or mac, i still will be busy helping him with the net to be doing my own stuff. soon we parted. i was still angry. as we seperated ways, my phone rang. and it was him. i was like 'what lah' and i turned to the back and saw him walking towards me...
and all he wanted to do was to pass me money...
the way he show me he loves me... and this time we really parted.

i turned and headed home, feeling all so confused. angry with the way i treat my dad. angry that after how i treated him, he still loves me. angry at myself for being such a naughty girl.

i kinda comprehend this ' i would feel better if you had reprimanded me'
But he still loved me...

and so this song came...
on how i hurt my dad. time and time again...

and i saw God's love for me....