When Time Just Ain't Enough.

Heh. playing with the web cam while waiting to go to school. Actually I AM suppose to be on my way to school school cause i need to do research for HR PBL and FOI Tutorial and prepare for presentation and yada yada yada. I have got so many assignments waiting for me! well at least i am so much better now :D at least I do what i intend to! hahahahhaha!

Ok so this way has been a pretty good one. been a diligent girl, waking up at five and not going back to sleep. AWESOME. i used to go back after QT but now i shall just stay awake, complete my hw and all before i head to school. I used to think i need to go back to slp after QT cause I have not enough sleep! but funny thing is i always feel extermely tired throughout the day. So now as i chose not to go back after QQT, i actually realise I am so super awake throughout the day i dun even need a nap or what in uncle vic's van :D AWESOME or what.

Damn im really hungry now and i dun think i even have time to eat later. RARH. or maybe i should go for lunch now. okay just being random. Anyway Daniela, all the best for your Os and fourteen more days to freedom!! yay! hahaha. O level seems so foreign to me now. its like a forgotten thing.

many many many things are jsut running through my brain- sometimes i wonder what it is made up of- as i observe things happening around me, getting better perspective of life and all. oh my. i sound like some emo kid or what.. okay, maybe I am.

Oh, anyway I am now called Davidee. HAHA. pretty unique name. Some ppl were like david...? sounds old. omg. ok so Davidee is the female version of the male one? haha. cause Im a psalmist you see. funny thing is when i pestered mum for a new name i never thought that i will actually miss my name Grace. seriously. do you guys ever know that you can have feelings with your name too?! LIKE for the PAST eleven years of my life im called Grace lah. and like now im davidee. it does kinda feel that a big part of me is gone kinda thing... and i will think like what if ppl next tym want to find me? then they cant find me cause i have changed my name! haha. madness. its like saying good bye to the old? its like a mixed feeling lah. I dunno if im really gna part with my name Grace or just use it as a second name. and also davidee is a harder name to catch when i introduce myself. ppl will always say 'pardon?' and then there i go repeating my name again and spelling it out to them and they will go ORGH! DA-VI-DEE. im expecting thing to happen. i always like the fact that my name is so easy to catch. GRACE. intro once and it is stuck in their brain. if they forget any other names, they wont forget mine cause its so easy to register! hahha. ok whatever. DA- VI -DEE.

w love,
BYE.

Every single day is a battle.

A battle with myself, a battle against the world.

Im trying not to give in, trying hard not to give up. i look upon the future and its bleak. so i thought i could be smart and create something out of it. But i will only mess it up, further... And what more can i do but just stay still just where i am...

SHIT.
This whole thing is a joke. seriously a joke.

Happy Day One Of School.

Had dinner with M. and thoughts just flooded as usual. I wonder why didnt God give all of us two lifes. the first life is for us to trial and error, to make all the mistakes you ever want to, try all the things you dream to do- whether messy or not. Then after I have messed up my life and tested the feel of it, then my 'actual' life begins. which is the second life. Wouldnt it be cool? or so I thought. hmm.

Thanks M, for the wonderful artpiece. Never knew you can block me- and only me- from seeing the album. naughty huh.


School was cool today. Had commskills lesson and my tutor is really awesome. He used to be a producer in mediacorp. a really nice person. Well, i thought to myself that not bad. i can survive five hours of tutorial with him. HA. but who knws, we were gna be seperated into grps and so it will not be five hours but lesser.

Was smsing D if i should jot down in my journal about certain events and how i felt towards it. I was afraid that after i jot down, in future i will forever remember that these things happened in my life that i never want to rmb. But D said that i should cause jotting it down will help me to think better. maybe i should.

Am really excited for things that is coming in this last quarter of the year. dreams and visions coming to pass! sometimes i really wish time could just stand still at this moment, with the aircon blowing right at my face, with me just unloading and relaxing, not having to face the world. With christian music playing at the background. PEACE. sometimes life feels like a game. though 'christians' shouldnt be saying this, but i do feel that life is a game. a game of heaven or hell, where do we go. and so what if we go either. I mean when the world comes to an end, we will be up there worshipping God till eternity. while many will be down there suffering. Sometimes i wonder why is life like that.

Sometimes i wonder why certain things happen and that God is playing a huge joke on me. and maybe He is having fun doing so. But well, my carnal mind thinks like that. But i know... that faith is sure of the things unseen of. with faith eyes i know that God arent playing a joke on me. And He definitely arent hacing pleasure from seeing me suffer like that. Im sure He has a plan for all these. plans to prosper me and not harm me. plans to give me a hope and a future.if only i trust, believe and obey. As long as i bite the bullet and wait. I know that good things are up ahead and God's glory is gonna be revealed soon.

Is my God bigger than all these obstacles in my life? How big my problems are to me will tell me how big my God is. If my problem is so big they overwhelm me, it only tells me that my God is so small, He cant handle these problems I have. If my God is so big, and i truly know that He is the one who created the universe, the galaxies, the whirlpool and He holds the universe in His palms- then my problems are too small compared to my big God and I can just trust.

This looks like our wedding (HAHA)

cant wait for the three weddings next year! YAY! we will be singing again! haha.

Singing partner yo.

10 things you should know about Gracey.

Inspired by donk. lol.

Cause of his tag that he wonders why i could type so fast...

so here goes.

TEN things we should all know about Grace.

One. I rebonded my hair ytd ( hahhaha)

Two. I love durian cakes

- cause my grandma used to order handmade durian cake from my neighbour for my birthday when i stayed over at her place. BUT. i havent found one that can be compared to that cake... and i miss it real bad. i think this neighbour moved house alrd so since then i havent eaten any durian cakes that are better than the one she made :( still searching. any recommendations?

Three. I can sing.

But i believe i dont have the skills. HAHA. i dont sing from the diaphram. I believe God gave me the voice but i didnt work on my skills. HEH HEH HEH. i sing with alot of air so most of the time people dunno what im singing. shit.

Four. I want to be an author.

I hope to write my first book before i turn 20. But. I dunno who will read and i dunno what im gonna write about. any suggestions? :D or, anyone who wants to prebook my book?

Five. I compose my own songs.

But most of my songs are forgotten. I write them out and the next minute i throw them away. i throw many of my songs away/ forgotten about them. Cause i always forget where i place my things and so when i write it out a piece of paper, i usually lose that paper. i need a personal assistant. HEH. My songs are usually written base on what i feel and experienced and till this point my favourite song is one that goes like this. i dont think i ever recorded it and place on the web. but its one song that made Am cried so much.

Damn, time lag.

Have you wondered why

Life seems so tough

Have you ever wish

It was all a dream

Have you ever felt

Like running away

Feeling all so empty inside

Chorus: If only life

Has got no sorrows

And I am void of feelings

If i can run and hide this mess

And pretend that all is fine

But I am losing myself

Losing my self...

Again.

Six. I love children and I want six kids.
LOL. I already found name for my three sons and one name for my girl (:
awesome. I want my children to have dimples like me ( amen )


Seven. I speak at a very fast pace.
This is something that everybody will comment at least once in their lifetime about me.
Reason being: i think that im wasting ppl's time when i talk slow or that people has no time for me. so i talk really fast. I didnt feel that i was important enough for ppl to listen to me and i feel like im a burden and wasting their time. so i speak fast and it has become a habit. Im gonna change it and learn to take my time and know that Im loved!


Eight. I hate to make decisions.
But mum taught me that the quality of a person's life depends on the quality of the person's decision. damn.


Nine. My parents seperated when i was seven.
But i guess its no big deal since both are still alive. oh well. learn to give thanks in every situation cause there is always someone out that who is suffering more than me.


Ten. I dont date.
Shit. this may be lame but this is damn important. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
met Daddy yesterday and i tell him maybe i should just die a virgin. he laughed like mad. cause he was telling me about relationships and how a person can change so much. But what he doesnt know is, everyone always appear nice and angelic lah. who doesnt. especially when they are dating. and when he say that people change after marriage, in my heart was. not true. people never change after marriage. its just that after marriage the real stuff comes out. during dating its just all pretense and the proper image put up. so i decided im gonna show my worse. HAHAHHA. im no angel please. i have a bad temper and i will die if this man leaves me cause my dad left me. so breakups will KILL me literally. so to avoid that pain, i dont date. So dont date me. LOL.


Had dinner with dad yesterday. i havent seen him for two months maybe. and he tried to influence me to go uni ah, go banking ah. and i just tell him dont try to influence me. HAHAHAHAH. was good lah. though only two hours or so. Boo.

The future is uncertain.

God gives and God takes away. He gave me dream. A beautiful dream and He took it away. Hmm, sometimes i just dont understand why. Chatted with R yesterday and he said that he hope one day God will show him why he went through what he did... And my reply was, God need not always answer our why-s. Simply because, He is God. And He has every right to not reveal to us while we are still on earth. But being human, we just want to know why this, why that. maybe because by knowing why, we can be in control. we all want to be in control. we all hate the uncertainties of life. nobody knows what is gonna happen to himself or herself tmr. Or even the very next minute.

This person could suddenly have a heart attack and just die. No one knows for sure what will happen in the next second... Well, God tests us to see if we meant what we said. That we will praise Him through the storm ( casting crowns)

each time trails come, will we get angry with Him that He took that one thing we really desire? Or will we still chose to praise Him. In this case, i choose to praise Him. I didnt understand why He showed me and then He took it away. my thoughts start kicking in and i began to think how things might just change in the end. Oh well, whats the point of thinking and guessing what will happen in the end right. Why not just cruise and enjoy the journey.

Just like how i went Mcritchie to jog, it wasnt the ending that excited me when i finnally finished the 11km. it was the journey. and in that same light, it wasnt the ending that excites God, but the journey of us getting there. The journey of Him being able to walk with us when like is smooth and went we hit a rough patch (: i really wish i could elaborate and go in detail what i meant. But it really arent convenient... Maybe, just maybe, one day it would be convenient.

'Live each day like its the last'

this was what he told me. and to a certain extend, it should be that way. we tend to take things for granted. that we will still be alive tomorrow. then we would go to bed and open our eyes the next day, still alive and kicking..

But what if... Just if.
you open your eyes and realise you are in heaven. Or worse. Hell. in hell you suffer physical torment. the fire burns ur body yet you will nvr melt away. which actually makes it worst. cause you have to endure the heat forever, down there. made slaves by all the evil spirits. but... do you think the physical pain could compare to the heartache that you may feel?

If the day before you fought with your parents, ans said you hated them. if all your life you nvr said three words of 'i love you' to them though in your heart u knew u love them. but pride stop you from saying those three simple yet the most powerful words... or that you felt that they dont deserve the three words cause they hurt you so much...

maybe you always wanted to tell your friends or family how special they are to you in your heart but you never did cause u procrastinate and think that you have all the time in the world...

sometimes the price one pays to not open the mouth to communicate is too high. How often do we not know how appreciated and loved we are till someone tells us? or that we nvr felt that we were pretty or handsome till a compliment comes and you really believe you are?

people are just suffering.. real bad. if only we being chinese would place our pride down and start communicating love. i nvr knew my mum loves me. i used to hate her... cause i felt that she was nvr there for me. always workin and she left me with my grandma and childcare. she was nvr there. i thought she hated me. i thought i was a burden to her. till one day we communicated and she affirmed me that she loves me and she has regrets in her life. she wished she could be there for me in my growing up years...

It wasnt easy to start communicating with her. i hate to swallow my pride. she hate to humble herself to listen to how i felt and face the mistakes she made in my growing up years. But she loved me enough to do that. and our relationship blossomed. i used to be a girl who storm right into my room and lock myself in there immediately when i got home. communication...

I snapped at my mum last night cause i didnt like it when she tells me to stop eating fried food etc etc. yes it was out of concern. but i hated it. she always talks about my pimples and stuff ( haha). ok lah. she loves me and just want to tell me but she does it so often it irritates me. and its not like i didnt know all those. so i just snapped and reacted at her. DAMN. i was guilty. till today i didnt apologise though i said iw ould cause i couldnt swallow my pride. cause i think its her wrong what. but it was still wrong of me to have reacted at her. So this morning i woke up still conscious of how i reatcted at her... and so i came down my bed and gave her a morning kiss. HAHAHAHA

Ok thats all for now. im blogging too much i think im being such a nuisance. oh, all you good students out there who are reading my essays. Kudos.

I Lack Pictures.

Yesterday Am came over to ma place and we had PIZZAAAA! (: was awesome time spent with this precious one. One who is always in my heart, in my prayers. And im so glad we could catch up yesterday. We read together... a book named 'healing for the father wound'. a book that Aunty Deb got for me last year for christmas cause she felt that the Holy Spirit prompted her to get it for me.

I tried reading the bk initially but i kinda know the contents inside already since I have been in disciple class for five years and did healings and stuff. So yesterday i explored the book together with her. it was way cool cause we both could totally understand each other's feelings and that NOPE. We are so not weird with the way we think and act. Girl, you are so normal.

yesterday was the first time i truly experienced what it meant by reaching the untouchables... yesterday was the first time my life's experiences were used to touch another. Not that usually my life doesnt. but today was the first time i ministered to someone whose background was the replication of mine... I knew and understood her every thought. Every. i could complete her sentences, tell her what she has been struggling with, tell her the burdens that she has been carrying ever since her roof tore apart... It wasnt easy for her. it wont be easy for anyone who went thorugh what she did. But ppl around her couldnt understand her. people around her thought she was being too sensitive, making a mountain out of a molehill. But i guess they'd never understand until they are in our shoes. i feel you girl.

And maybe thats why God placed you in my life when u were merely twelve. And when u are at ur weakest, i could offer u a helping hand and listening ear.... And not judge you and think you are weird... And the sweetest thing that happened yesterday? that you invited Jesus back into your heart again.

Many atimes we think God is playing a joke on us. He made us come to earth so He could torture us. Oh how distorted our thinkings could be. and yes, thats exactly what satan wants to do. Satan knew that God made fathers so that our fathers could show us what the Heavenly Father is like. If many of you do not know, the way you relate to your father, the way he acts and all, you porject it upon the Heavenly Father. For instance, my dad was never there for me physically and emotionally therefore i will find it hard to enter worship cause i will always think that God isnt there and He feels so far away...
Satan knew the power and the impact a father has on a child. so he made a plan to destroy this image carrier of God. He tore families up so the children will never see how the Heavenly Father is like... But yesterday, i hope that girl, you realise that no, God is not a prankster who plays prank on us... He loves us so much. and He loves you so much He gave up His one and only Son. No, its not a fairytale. Everything in the bible is true. they are facts, recorded in history... So often we believe in ghost n devil. why is it so hard for us to perceive that God exist?

Went to Austin hills today and mum read from the book on rejection.
Most of us have suffered from rejection. be it our parents, friends etc. And some suffered rejection in the womb when their parents wanted to abort them. They realise that they grow up having death thoughts, wanting to commit suicide... They feel unworthy and hated by everyone. some of them needed attention so much they give themselves away... and waste their life messing around...

And rejection is one of the favourite tool of the devil. so many of us are paralysed with the fear of rejection from ppl that we put up a false front, a false self, a pretense self... we never really know who we are and our whole life is trapped with wanting to please others. and this is hard work. cause this person nvr experience liberty and freedom. But when I really know my worth in Christ Jesus, i need not try so hard to please anyone anymore...

there is this saying that goes, a person's worth is how much one is willing to pay for him/her. And i am bought with Jesus's life. Thats my worth. Well well. i can continue saying all this theory. i mean, which christian dunno Jesus died for them. Yet, the longest distance in the whole universe is from the head to the heart. Many christians know God with the head, but they nvr knew God with their hearts. that is why their lives never change. I pray that Lord you will help me in the journey of building my self image that i can get out of the bondage of wanting to please man and be trapped.

Good nights!

I'M SORRY.

Today i felt like a monster. A little devil. I hurt someone i loved with eyes that pierce and words that hurt. I made her cry. I knew it. But my heart was so hard i couldnt be bothered.

She humbled herself to apologise. But with a numbed heart i look right into her eyes and said that i didnt feel anything. I cant be bothered with whatever she does.

I saw her eyes turned watery within seconds. She looked away. so did I. But i didnt feel guilty. I felt like i did the right thing. Im a bad girl. And thats what a bad girl does. A bad girl makes others cry. a bad girl hurt others. I feel like im a pain in the ass. therefore i hurt the people i love so they will not come too close to me.

I was angry. why wasnt she there when i needed her the most? why those those s o r r i e s hurt so bad. cause to me its just a five letter word which carries no meaning when again and again an apology is offered up for the same mistake. i was bitter. in my heart i thought, why is there a need for friends? Im happier alone. Really. im more peaceful.

With the anger i carried within me, i was an atomic bomb. so when i look at her and tell her i cant be bothered, i knew i hurt her bad. right into her heart. i knew it was not an ordinary pain i gave her. and i knew this was the worst hurt i had ever given her. this was a purposeful act. i was mean intentionally.

Im such a bad friend. I knew i got to apologise. but i didnt want to. i was prideful. I was angry. I was in control by keeping silent. i refused to be jordan-ed. i want to jordan her...
most of the time i jordan myself. i humbled myself. i died to my anger to my rights and continued to love. but because i refuse to circumcise my heart, i hurt this friend of mine. and... i think it wasnt worth it. if i had chosen to die to myself, this friendship would blossom and live. if i chose to feed my anger i would have killed the friendship with my own hands. which, i did this afternoon.

For a moment i thought its over between us. i just killed this friendship. she is gona hate me for being so mean to her...

She often thanks me and wonders why i still loved her after she hurt me and when i wanted to just give up... this time round, i wondered if she would do the same... for me... that when i hurt her, would she be there for me? or would she be like everyone else, who only sticks by when there is something out of it. will she be a friend? not just a fair weather one. but one that would still embrace me when i stab into her heart... a friend that after seein how ugly and bad i am can still forgive me and love me... and not judge me and hide from me...

We walked out of the MRT train together. if i were you, i would take to yishun and drop and refuse to walk home with this idiotic girl.

I knew you tried so hard since morning... i pushed you away... i made you go first cause i needed to do something... and after office, when we were going back tgt, you were trying real hard to think just what did u do... what the hell is wrong with this girl... you thought and thought. you showed me the sms... but no, its not the sms. u thought i felt like u 'pao to' me... noo... its ur privacy and i need not know what you said.

you thought harder... that i was hurt by your reaction... and finally u pluck up the courage to humble and apologise and all u got was a reaction back...

you were hurt and in pain. you couldnt stand with me anymore. we couldnt stand the sight of each other... u teared.

We stepped out of the train. most of the time having you walking behind me and you hurting as you walk beside me... and you tried again... you gave me a sweet and i apologised...

All this while i looked at how unrightly i was treated. how angry i was. how bad a friend you were. But i couldnt see how ugly i was... I was demanding. i demanded you to understand whatever i went through. i demanded that you should be here for me, that you should know what to do when i was at my weakest.

all this while u gave in to me. you knew sometimes i treat u unfairly but u still gave in to my unfair treatment.. emotionally i was always there for you but u were hardly here. physically when i wanted to buy food or what, you were always there for me but when u needed to, i would be tired. you tahaned my idiosyncrasies.

you suffered so much because of me. you learn to open your heart to share me, to open your heart to love people. you learn to stand without me.

Thank you for not abandoning me when i was at my weakest. and still loved me. you think i was the only one who loved u when u turn ugly... but in actual fact, you loved me too. i could imagine others storming off because i reacted. but u stood by...all these while you loved me not with words, not with affection, with hugs and kisses. but all this while u stood by me by being just beside me...

you always think of me, gave me the best. because of you, i did many things i never would have been able to do with my family's financial status. money was never an issue with you. you always offered me help whenever i needed. never gettign impatient and angry with me over this issue.

I never appreciated all the little things you did for me. the little cards, handicrafts... and all i did was pick at your mistakes.
Im sorry.
i've failed as a friend.
the three words i often say to you was tested today and i see how i failed at my love for you. instead of building you up, i tore you down, intentionally.

i went to your blog and saw what you wrote about me.
I felt so undeserved. im not as good as you think i am. im not that good. it wasnt me, by my own strength that i can continue loving you... i felt undeserved cause i knew my idiosyncrasies, how i hurt you too. im not as good...

Im sorry for the hurt. but i thank you for the love. id never forget this day i promise. the day i know you truly loved me... not loving me when im at my best. not loving me when i could give u anything. but loving me at my lowest. when i was at my meanest. i dont think i have ever been this mean to anyone... i felt like a little devil. i was all ready to turn bad.

But maybe.. maybe cause of your love and grace showed to me... i know that im accepted...
would you still dare love me and come near though you know im this mean?
the past two days was... like hell. i dunno why. what i have been feelign this two days was something i have never felt to this extend before. i think i was going mad. like really mad.

thanks for being my friend. and please, dont give up on me ever if i ever turn mean again... i mean, not that i want to be mean... but... when i said what i said, i totally lost control of my words, of how i feel. but yet at the moment was the real me. and you accepted me and still made the first step to love me with the little you know how.

For loving me and my mum.

For rejoicing with me.

For being a phone call away. im sorry i have taken u for granted. familiarity breeds content. for the nine years, i guess we have been too familiar. meetin up almost everyday for dinner.
Mum thought us about new deal, ordeal, no deal and new deal.
Can we start a new deal once again?

I thank God for giving my great awesome friends to walk me thorugh life. you used to tell me in primary school that you would rather having many good friends than one best friend. but i guess now you would not agree with what you said then anymore right?

And i love them because you love them.

For all these wonderful memories. thank you.

For hong kong, thank you.

I dunno what else to say, but thank you. for sharing your life with me, for allowing me to enjoy such great friendship. for loving me- when i became really mean...

I love you, M.

If anyone cared.

If Someone Cared.

Gracey went to mcritchie to run. actually walking most of the time.

Went there after i got my discipline last wednesday alone. Did 11km. My first time ever. and i do deserve a pat on my back cause i conquered 11km ALONE in that forest. I did it cause i wanted to. and since no one wanted to go cause they probably thought i was mad. And perhaps also because God allowed it to happen. I knew that no one would have gone with me cause God already told me but i decided to try my luck anyway. That day would be a turning point for me. Though there were concerns in my heart like... ALONE?! what if some stranger kidnap me or what. LOL. SERIOUS. no joke k. or what if i get attacked by animals. I was scared. But when the spirit of God is upon you, you just know in your heart that everything would be alright and i would be fine.

Half way through when i was in the middle of the forest walking, suddenly before my eyes were a group of monkeys. Damn i frozed. i didnt dare to continue moving forward. instead i began to walk backwards. I was like SHIT! what do i do now. i have a choice. 1. walk all the way back to where i began. 2. continue walking forward though it is dangerous.

I knew and i knew there is no way i will turn back and walk back to where i began. I knew and i knew im walking forward no matter what. even if it means being attacked. Slowly the monkeys began to disperse and started climbing onto trees. so i thought it was safe to advance but as i did, little monkeys began to jump to the ground. I had no choice bt to jsut continue walking forward. With each step closer, i prayed even harder in tongues... well, im safe at the end of the day. though this one stupid monkey did want to disturb me but i just prayed damn hard and quickly run away from them. i was in cold sweats. i wanted to cry and just ask God to translate me back to where i came from.

Turning to look how far i was from the starting point, shit. im in the middle of nowhere. the starting point is right across my eyes. i am in the MIDDLE of the jungle. just finished 5 plus Km and 6 plus more to go.

Ha. alright. so i know i need to depend on prayers even more. for the first time i experience being really at a loss... and depended fully on God. until the next part of the jungle, i had to make decisions again. there were arrows around and on it were written various signs like 0.9km, 2km, 6.5km etc.

I had a choice. would i want to leave this jungle with only about .9km to conquer or would i take up the challenge to conquer all the way to the end and take the 6km. Last sunday the preacher prayed over me that i am a woman of determination. and he was right. i did the 6km though i already completed more than what i usually would.

Oh. Grace HATES running. did i mention that? yes, and here i am attemptin another 6km having completed 5km. A L O N E. God spoke to me and i learn many lessons that very day. A day id never want to forget. a day i knew changed my entire life and my view of life. would i want to do it again? Yes. If God is going with me. If im gona do this alone without God, Hell no.

meet this little darling, Ryan.
i couldnt touch your life last week. But i believe in prayers. the dance i danced on sunday is for you. I pray that God would save you and touch your life. May His spirit move in your life in Jesus name.

' the world is too quick too judge and too slow to understand'
The world is hurting and lost. who will care to look out of themselves and start looking in to the hearts of others.

yesterday was the worst day of my life. its been so long since i felt the way i did last night. sometimes not all testimonies encourage. some testimonies remind others of the things they have suffered and once again refeshes the memory and the wounds that is embedded deep in their minds and hearts which they have been trying to hide and conceal.

Yesterday was one good example. i told myself that i wasnt gonna cry over anything. Perhaps it has become such a norm that when a preacher shares about his/her testimony about how their parents seperated or divorced, how their life were so brokened, these people who are brokened would be in the mind of others and people would wonder how these people feel. it has perhaps became a norm that these people will go up for prayer. nah, i do not want to belong to that norm.

Pastor shared about how she got into an accident and for the first time after many years, when her parents seperated ,she opened her eyes and saw her mum. cause the past years her mum's present arrived. but not the person. and yes, the presence of the present doesnt make any difference. we dont give a damn about it.

im weird. i always think of something weird. out of the norm. whilst people were touched by her testimony, how God can make her such a strong lady and give praises to God, i had a secret plan in my heart. since young i had been thinking. since young when i watch different tv programmes about how this kid's parents gona seperate and this funny aunty will come and teach him to fall sick so the parents will get back again. i thought about that too. And her testimony only made me want to do that. i want to get into an accident. Maybe, maybe i would for the first time after ten years see both my parents before my eyes. not having to seeing one or the other.

Its stupid. but who cares. i dont give a damn how stupid it was. I gave myself a few options. jump down from high storey. No. i may just die. and by the time i die, at my death bed even if both my parents were to appear, it would have been too late for me to even open my eyes. maybe they would be at my funeral already... And if i dont die, i pay a fine to the government for trying to commit suicide. DAMN.

Then i thought about getting into a car accident. but im scared i will break my arm or legs. Ha. then i wont be able to walk forever and i would be so dumb to do that. and since i have been exposed to insurance, i wonder if my mum bought accident insurance for me. cause if they didnt then my parents wont have to pay for my fees and i would be such a burden on them. i dont want to be a burden to anyone.

I was in pain. deep pain. pain was an understatement. my tears were like a water tap all ready to burst out the moment you turn on the tap. i was so vulnerable that moment. i told people my secret plan. But no one took me seriously. how sad. everyone just brushed what i said aside and took what i said as a passing statement and my words just fell to the ground. everyone was too absorbed with themselves they didnt see that someone so close needed a small hug. words were not needed. self seeking words were even more not needed.

no wonder sometimes id rather spend time alone. at least i have peace. call it isolating. but, who cares. how often i wonder, is someone out there hurting and no one realised. maybe i was too good in acting. acting strong and tough. yea, i look strong and tough. i had to be. if you were me, you will understand. but you arent. people see and judge the exterior. but who caares to look a little deeper to understand? the world just needed understanding. they dun need more words to tell them what they should or should not do. what they all need is love. But if love was such a simple thing, then why would there still be so many brokened people out there.

Maybe cause everyone is too self absorbed. people who are blessed are never contented. never giving thanks. Thats why God allows breaking. and break people like me to understand. to break my selfishness by making me going through the pain. so when i see someone in pain i would immediately pick it up.

i often got upset with God. Why me.
People says 'so that God can use you to minister to people out there just like you. to touch the untouchables, to reach to the unreachables.' But its such a simple statement to say. i could say that statement easily too. But who is willing to pay the price to understand the broken? none. maybe that rare few? i got angry with God for being so unfair. Life is unfair.

Its a pain that i carry all my life.
each time i got upset, i would always come to a point of thanksgiving. getting angry with God wont make things better. since he already broke me, why not just use me.

how ironic. the common prayer people make is 'Dear Lord, use me, mould me, break me.' When His finger hardly touches my life, i scream and yell liek a mad woman and get angry why He touch MY life. human human human. what lies we sing every sunday. but that is why we are all fallen. But praise God for His unfailing love.

Life is unfair? Yes. but God is so unfair for me. brokened? yes. the amount of tears i cry no one would ever know but God and the angels who collects my tears know. I cried my way home last night. i cried my night off in bed. even i closed my eyes tears just fell uncontrollably. this was so familiar. the measure of paini havent experienced since primary school. woke up w swollen eyes. i didnt want to talk to God. i was angry... i had many questions in my head. the bible says, Jesus understands. but i wonder... Mary and Joseph nvr divorced.. does he really understand?

my mind debates. but my heart knows that Jesus loves me. and He understands my pain and He pains with me... I know cause He has walked me through the tough ten years of my life. and His grace upon my life and favor upon my life is something i cant describe cause you have to experience on your own... If i could live my life again, ... i think i will not trade my brokeness to not have Jesus in my life. I may have the most perfect life and not have Jesus in my life. but life would hold no meaning. i may have all this brokeness... But... Its not that tough afterall cause I have Him in my life. Painful as it is, i dont face all these alone.

Thank you Jesus.

A pat on your bag too if you read the whole ESSAY.