If anyone cared.

If Someone Cared.

Gracey went to mcritchie to run. actually walking most of the time.

Went there after i got my discipline last wednesday alone. Did 11km. My first time ever. and i do deserve a pat on my back cause i conquered 11km ALONE in that forest. I did it cause i wanted to. and since no one wanted to go cause they probably thought i was mad. And perhaps also because God allowed it to happen. I knew that no one would have gone with me cause God already told me but i decided to try my luck anyway. That day would be a turning point for me. Though there were concerns in my heart like... ALONE?! what if some stranger kidnap me or what. LOL. SERIOUS. no joke k. or what if i get attacked by animals. I was scared. But when the spirit of God is upon you, you just know in your heart that everything would be alright and i would be fine.

Half way through when i was in the middle of the forest walking, suddenly before my eyes were a group of monkeys. Damn i frozed. i didnt dare to continue moving forward. instead i began to walk backwards. I was like SHIT! what do i do now. i have a choice. 1. walk all the way back to where i began. 2. continue walking forward though it is dangerous.

I knew and i knew there is no way i will turn back and walk back to where i began. I knew and i knew im walking forward no matter what. even if it means being attacked. Slowly the monkeys began to disperse and started climbing onto trees. so i thought it was safe to advance but as i did, little monkeys began to jump to the ground. I had no choice bt to jsut continue walking forward. With each step closer, i prayed even harder in tongues... well, im safe at the end of the day. though this one stupid monkey did want to disturb me but i just prayed damn hard and quickly run away from them. i was in cold sweats. i wanted to cry and just ask God to translate me back to where i came from.

Turning to look how far i was from the starting point, shit. im in the middle of nowhere. the starting point is right across my eyes. i am in the MIDDLE of the jungle. just finished 5 plus Km and 6 plus more to go.

Ha. alright. so i know i need to depend on prayers even more. for the first time i experience being really at a loss... and depended fully on God. until the next part of the jungle, i had to make decisions again. there were arrows around and on it were written various signs like 0.9km, 2km, 6.5km etc.

I had a choice. would i want to leave this jungle with only about .9km to conquer or would i take up the challenge to conquer all the way to the end and take the 6km. Last sunday the preacher prayed over me that i am a woman of determination. and he was right. i did the 6km though i already completed more than what i usually would.

Oh. Grace HATES running. did i mention that? yes, and here i am attemptin another 6km having completed 5km. A L O N E. God spoke to me and i learn many lessons that very day. A day id never want to forget. a day i knew changed my entire life and my view of life. would i want to do it again? Yes. If God is going with me. If im gona do this alone without God, Hell no.

meet this little darling, Ryan.
i couldnt touch your life last week. But i believe in prayers. the dance i danced on sunday is for you. I pray that God would save you and touch your life. May His spirit move in your life in Jesus name.

' the world is too quick too judge and too slow to understand'
The world is hurting and lost. who will care to look out of themselves and start looking in to the hearts of others.

yesterday was the worst day of my life. its been so long since i felt the way i did last night. sometimes not all testimonies encourage. some testimonies remind others of the things they have suffered and once again refeshes the memory and the wounds that is embedded deep in their minds and hearts which they have been trying to hide and conceal.

Yesterday was one good example. i told myself that i wasnt gonna cry over anything. Perhaps it has become such a norm that when a preacher shares about his/her testimony about how their parents seperated or divorced, how their life were so brokened, these people who are brokened would be in the mind of others and people would wonder how these people feel. it has perhaps became a norm that these people will go up for prayer. nah, i do not want to belong to that norm.

Pastor shared about how she got into an accident and for the first time after many years, when her parents seperated ,she opened her eyes and saw her mum. cause the past years her mum's present arrived. but not the person. and yes, the presence of the present doesnt make any difference. we dont give a damn about it.

im weird. i always think of something weird. out of the norm. whilst people were touched by her testimony, how God can make her such a strong lady and give praises to God, i had a secret plan in my heart. since young i had been thinking. since young when i watch different tv programmes about how this kid's parents gona seperate and this funny aunty will come and teach him to fall sick so the parents will get back again. i thought about that too. And her testimony only made me want to do that. i want to get into an accident. Maybe, maybe i would for the first time after ten years see both my parents before my eyes. not having to seeing one or the other.

Its stupid. but who cares. i dont give a damn how stupid it was. I gave myself a few options. jump down from high storey. No. i may just die. and by the time i die, at my death bed even if both my parents were to appear, it would have been too late for me to even open my eyes. maybe they would be at my funeral already... And if i dont die, i pay a fine to the government for trying to commit suicide. DAMN.

Then i thought about getting into a car accident. but im scared i will break my arm or legs. Ha. then i wont be able to walk forever and i would be so dumb to do that. and since i have been exposed to insurance, i wonder if my mum bought accident insurance for me. cause if they didnt then my parents wont have to pay for my fees and i would be such a burden on them. i dont want to be a burden to anyone.

I was in pain. deep pain. pain was an understatement. my tears were like a water tap all ready to burst out the moment you turn on the tap. i was so vulnerable that moment. i told people my secret plan. But no one took me seriously. how sad. everyone just brushed what i said aside and took what i said as a passing statement and my words just fell to the ground. everyone was too absorbed with themselves they didnt see that someone so close needed a small hug. words were not needed. self seeking words were even more not needed.

no wonder sometimes id rather spend time alone. at least i have peace. call it isolating. but, who cares. how often i wonder, is someone out there hurting and no one realised. maybe i was too good in acting. acting strong and tough. yea, i look strong and tough. i had to be. if you were me, you will understand. but you arent. people see and judge the exterior. but who caares to look a little deeper to understand? the world just needed understanding. they dun need more words to tell them what they should or should not do. what they all need is love. But if love was such a simple thing, then why would there still be so many brokened people out there.

Maybe cause everyone is too self absorbed. people who are blessed are never contented. never giving thanks. Thats why God allows breaking. and break people like me to understand. to break my selfishness by making me going through the pain. so when i see someone in pain i would immediately pick it up.

i often got upset with God. Why me.
People says 'so that God can use you to minister to people out there just like you. to touch the untouchables, to reach to the unreachables.' But its such a simple statement to say. i could say that statement easily too. But who is willing to pay the price to understand the broken? none. maybe that rare few? i got angry with God for being so unfair. Life is unfair.

Its a pain that i carry all my life.
each time i got upset, i would always come to a point of thanksgiving. getting angry with God wont make things better. since he already broke me, why not just use me.

how ironic. the common prayer people make is 'Dear Lord, use me, mould me, break me.' When His finger hardly touches my life, i scream and yell liek a mad woman and get angry why He touch MY life. human human human. what lies we sing every sunday. but that is why we are all fallen. But praise God for His unfailing love.

Life is unfair? Yes. but God is so unfair for me. brokened? yes. the amount of tears i cry no one would ever know but God and the angels who collects my tears know. I cried my way home last night. i cried my night off in bed. even i closed my eyes tears just fell uncontrollably. this was so familiar. the measure of paini havent experienced since primary school. woke up w swollen eyes. i didnt want to talk to God. i was angry... i had many questions in my head. the bible says, Jesus understands. but i wonder... Mary and Joseph nvr divorced.. does he really understand?

my mind debates. but my heart knows that Jesus loves me. and He understands my pain and He pains with me... I know cause He has walked me through the tough ten years of my life. and His grace upon my life and favor upon my life is something i cant describe cause you have to experience on your own... If i could live my life again, ... i think i will not trade my brokeness to not have Jesus in my life. I may have the most perfect life and not have Jesus in my life. but life would hold no meaning. i may have all this brokeness... But... Its not that tough afterall cause I have Him in my life. Painful as it is, i dont face all these alone.

Thank you Jesus.

A pat on your bag too if you read the whole ESSAY.