I'M SORRY.

Today i felt like a monster. A little devil. I hurt someone i loved with eyes that pierce and words that hurt. I made her cry. I knew it. But my heart was so hard i couldnt be bothered.

She humbled herself to apologise. But with a numbed heart i look right into her eyes and said that i didnt feel anything. I cant be bothered with whatever she does.

I saw her eyes turned watery within seconds. She looked away. so did I. But i didnt feel guilty. I felt like i did the right thing. Im a bad girl. And thats what a bad girl does. A bad girl makes others cry. a bad girl hurt others. I feel like im a pain in the ass. therefore i hurt the people i love so they will not come too close to me.

I was angry. why wasnt she there when i needed her the most? why those those s o r r i e s hurt so bad. cause to me its just a five letter word which carries no meaning when again and again an apology is offered up for the same mistake. i was bitter. in my heart i thought, why is there a need for friends? Im happier alone. Really. im more peaceful.

With the anger i carried within me, i was an atomic bomb. so when i look at her and tell her i cant be bothered, i knew i hurt her bad. right into her heart. i knew it was not an ordinary pain i gave her. and i knew this was the worst hurt i had ever given her. this was a purposeful act. i was mean intentionally.

Im such a bad friend. I knew i got to apologise. but i didnt want to. i was prideful. I was angry. I was in control by keeping silent. i refused to be jordan-ed. i want to jordan her...
most of the time i jordan myself. i humbled myself. i died to my anger to my rights and continued to love. but because i refuse to circumcise my heart, i hurt this friend of mine. and... i think it wasnt worth it. if i had chosen to die to myself, this friendship would blossom and live. if i chose to feed my anger i would have killed the friendship with my own hands. which, i did this afternoon.

For a moment i thought its over between us. i just killed this friendship. she is gona hate me for being so mean to her...

She often thanks me and wonders why i still loved her after she hurt me and when i wanted to just give up... this time round, i wondered if she would do the same... for me... that when i hurt her, would she be there for me? or would she be like everyone else, who only sticks by when there is something out of it. will she be a friend? not just a fair weather one. but one that would still embrace me when i stab into her heart... a friend that after seein how ugly and bad i am can still forgive me and love me... and not judge me and hide from me...

We walked out of the MRT train together. if i were you, i would take to yishun and drop and refuse to walk home with this idiotic girl.

I knew you tried so hard since morning... i pushed you away... i made you go first cause i needed to do something... and after office, when we were going back tgt, you were trying real hard to think just what did u do... what the hell is wrong with this girl... you thought and thought. you showed me the sms... but no, its not the sms. u thought i felt like u 'pao to' me... noo... its ur privacy and i need not know what you said.

you thought harder... that i was hurt by your reaction... and finally u pluck up the courage to humble and apologise and all u got was a reaction back...

you were hurt and in pain. you couldnt stand with me anymore. we couldnt stand the sight of each other... u teared.

We stepped out of the train. most of the time having you walking behind me and you hurting as you walk beside me... and you tried again... you gave me a sweet and i apologised...

All this while i looked at how unrightly i was treated. how angry i was. how bad a friend you were. But i couldnt see how ugly i was... I was demanding. i demanded you to understand whatever i went through. i demanded that you should be here for me, that you should know what to do when i was at my weakest.

all this while u gave in to me. you knew sometimes i treat u unfairly but u still gave in to my unfair treatment.. emotionally i was always there for you but u were hardly here. physically when i wanted to buy food or what, you were always there for me but when u needed to, i would be tired. you tahaned my idiosyncrasies.

you suffered so much because of me. you learn to open your heart to share me, to open your heart to love people. you learn to stand without me.

Thank you for not abandoning me when i was at my weakest. and still loved me. you think i was the only one who loved u when u turn ugly... but in actual fact, you loved me too. i could imagine others storming off because i reacted. but u stood by...all these while you loved me not with words, not with affection, with hugs and kisses. but all this while u stood by me by being just beside me...

you always think of me, gave me the best. because of you, i did many things i never would have been able to do with my family's financial status. money was never an issue with you. you always offered me help whenever i needed. never gettign impatient and angry with me over this issue.

I never appreciated all the little things you did for me. the little cards, handicrafts... and all i did was pick at your mistakes.
Im sorry.
i've failed as a friend.
the three words i often say to you was tested today and i see how i failed at my love for you. instead of building you up, i tore you down, intentionally.

i went to your blog and saw what you wrote about me.
I felt so undeserved. im not as good as you think i am. im not that good. it wasnt me, by my own strength that i can continue loving you... i felt undeserved cause i knew my idiosyncrasies, how i hurt you too. im not as good...

Im sorry for the hurt. but i thank you for the love. id never forget this day i promise. the day i know you truly loved me... not loving me when im at my best. not loving me when i could give u anything. but loving me at my lowest. when i was at my meanest. i dont think i have ever been this mean to anyone... i felt like a little devil. i was all ready to turn bad.

But maybe.. maybe cause of your love and grace showed to me... i know that im accepted...
would you still dare love me and come near though you know im this mean?
the past two days was... like hell. i dunno why. what i have been feelign this two days was something i have never felt to this extend before. i think i was going mad. like really mad.

thanks for being my friend. and please, dont give up on me ever if i ever turn mean again... i mean, not that i want to be mean... but... when i said what i said, i totally lost control of my words, of how i feel. but yet at the moment was the real me. and you accepted me and still made the first step to love me with the little you know how.

For loving me and my mum.

For rejoicing with me.

For being a phone call away. im sorry i have taken u for granted. familiarity breeds content. for the nine years, i guess we have been too familiar. meetin up almost everyday for dinner.
Mum thought us about new deal, ordeal, no deal and new deal.
Can we start a new deal once again?

I thank God for giving my great awesome friends to walk me thorugh life. you used to tell me in primary school that you would rather having many good friends than one best friend. but i guess now you would not agree with what you said then anymore right?

And i love them because you love them.

For all these wonderful memories. thank you.

For hong kong, thank you.

I dunno what else to say, but thank you. for sharing your life with me, for allowing me to enjoy such great friendship. for loving me- when i became really mean...

I love you, M.