I get so confused sometime. This few days I have been like a volcano, ready to erupt any moment. Strong and furious onl the outside, all ready to defend myself, yet like the plant touch-me-not’, on the inside of me I was wishing people just leave me alone cause I am so vulnerable at this moment and I will shut myself up if you come too close. Isn’t it interesting how the outward man just completely contradicts what is really within me?

The reason I am probably like what I am now, angry and actually hurt on the inside is because this heart of mine has been hurt. It was once vulnerable, open to love and to be loved. Naively thinking that things have changed for the better and things just magically gets better and fall into place beautifully as people grow up. I thought we put behind all the childish acts and we were young then- it was understandable. I thought my dream, hope and fervent prayer has been answered. But I was lifted up so high and threw down badly. And I hurt myself in the process. I was angry because I feel like a fool. I opened my heart and became vulnerable. When one’s heart is open and vulnerable, that is when the heart is most easily wounded, wounded deep.

I thought that life suddenly became so beautiful in that few weeks. I thought it would last forever- that I will not be snapped at anymore. Though it was not the best, I thought it has improved tremendously.To protect myself, I did what I had to. I snapped at you before you had a chance. But each time I felt so bad because you suddenly became so nice-again. It’s a cycle and I don’t want to play this game with you anymore. Do I have a choice? No.
I was once in the car of this great man and he said that love entitles you to be used. When you love someone, you give the person the right to hurt you and use you- whether you like it or not. And that is why though I hate the fact that I feel used, I still love you. And though I started out pissed and angry, after typing everything out, I feel so much better and I am back to loving you!When we cease to love, we cease to have life because the beauty of life is loving God and loving man.

‘For we move from death to life by loving one another’
‘By these shall all man see that you are my disciples – that you love one another as I have loved you’
- Béni soit ton Nom -

SELF DECLARED HOLIDAY!


With MC...

knw what.... part of my pain (other than the gastric) was due to muscle tear. I fell down in the toilet and my ribs hit the toilet bowl. HAHAHA. and that was like a moth ago. so on saturday, i was sneezing and sneezing and KA-BOOM! the muscle got hurt again. EWWW.

Was on my way to school when suddenly there was a sharp pain in my stomach and i just bend down, couldnt walk. then it went away. called my mum and she brought me to the doc's. IM NT GOING SCHOOL, just like the primary and secondary people. HAHAHAHA. Envious? (:

Had diarrhea and vomitted in the train ytd. Wait, not exactly. I was in the train and i vomitted. BUT the vomit didnt came out. as in, i was smart enough to close my mouth. HAHA. so it was stored in my mouth. Was in somerset MRT station then. Had the urge to rush out at Dhoby Ghaut. But didnt. praying damn hard cause i can feel the next 'vomit' coming out. I was praying hard- damn damn hard. Cause if the next wave comes, i WONT be able to keep the train clean. DAMN. Thank God He answered my prayer!

Gna go study with Shaunnnyyyyyyyyy later (: yes, am a good girl. Its good i dun have to go school. now i can study on my own. Exams are in three weeks you knw!

Im really excited for youth camp. But sad then Jamesy, Miracle and Gid ( wonder if he will skip school.HAHA) wont come... WHY!!!! How can bonding be satisfying if we bond with everyone else and miss them out! sobs... I sure hope a miracle happens....

didnt go to school today! missed the dumb bus. eh wait. i didnt miss it. 4 to 5 buses pass me by in the 30minutes of waiting. So i decided that i wont be going to school. but anyway i only have two hours of lesson. and for that lesson, the teacher wont be teaching anything. so i didnt miss much. Im not a bad student ok!!!

Have been playing bejeweled recently. not that its fun. its just that im bored. But while playing it, thoughts began to flood my mind of thats just how life is actually... life is full of choices. and every choice you make affects the way things will be in future. and there is no turning back...

I decided to take French seriously (:
Salut!

YAY! Miracle bought me this yesterday (: Left it on my table and each time it catches my eyes i'd think... 'so sweeeettt....' heh heh. yesterday was Miracle's Day! LOL. But got to rush home to do homework... Went to her house to print some stuff and the whole familiar feeling of me going to her house and her busy trying to fix the computer for me just came again. I rmb how we would sit beside each other when one is using the computer and just 'check ppl out'. HAHA... I miss those times man. now because of technology like owning a laptop has caused us to strain. sounds weird but yet so true. Last night i had no computer yet so we would spend more time tgt, and even when i went to ur hse to stayover we both were busy using the laptops. damn, im not gna bring my laptop to ur hse when i stayover anymore.... Thanks my dear! (:

Didnt managed to go jogging in the morning cause M's mum said that there is thunder which meant that it probably is gna rain... but really, i duno mind not jogging to have such a good weather. HAHHAHHAHAHAHA. I skipped public speaking and french lecture. Because i have two hours of break. i know thats so stupid. hahaha... looking forward to FA later!!

damn. i skipped tutorial last week when i was suppose to represent some stuff. i duno if the teacher would want me to present again tmr... :(

Ciaos! lunching with bro.

Daddy got a new phone for me... fron CHINA. hahah. eh, not bad okay. sing dollars is about 200 bucks... its quite cute actually. imitation of Iphone. HAHA. so funnyyy. And mum is bringing me to get a new line today! the unlimited sms one. im gona start disturbing the shit out of ppl :)

Theres many things im starting to miss... i miss the past, my friends etc. so, come back to me all of you! hahahaha. today school ended at twelve cause HR lecture is cancelled. so stayed back in school for project. OMG. David is sure chiong-ster. But its a good thing (: I'm glad to have him as my project mate. Class is pretty fine. getting along well.

Now it seems like time aren't on my side. I NEED to organise my time man. Exams are like coming in less than three weeks time... I cant believe it seriously!!! KELVIN KHOO! gimme a text to tell me u are still alive leh! i hope i still have ur number somewhere... so when are you coming on sunday to learn your guitar? :)

And the 5am race began today yo. getting back on track to the strict training!