I get so confused sometime. This few days I have been like a volcano, ready to erupt any moment. Strong and furious onl the outside, all ready to defend myself, yet like the plant touch-me-not’, on the inside of me I was wishing people just leave me alone cause I am so vulnerable at this moment and I will shut myself up if you come too close. Isn’t it interesting how the outward man just completely contradicts what is really within me?
The reason I am probably like what I am now, angry and actually hurt on the inside is because this heart of mine has been hurt. It was once vulnerable, open to love and to be loved. Naively thinking that things have changed for the better and things just magically gets better and fall into place beautifully as people grow up. I thought we put behind all the childish acts and we were young then- it was understandable. I thought my dream, hope and fervent prayer has been answered. But I was lifted up so high and threw down badly. And I hurt myself in the process. I was angry because I feel like a fool. I opened my heart and became vulnerable. When one’s heart is open and vulnerable, that is when the heart is most easily wounded, wounded deep.
I thought that life suddenly became so beautiful in that few weeks. I thought it would last forever- that I will not be snapped at anymore. Though it was not the best, I thought it has improved tremendously.To protect myself, I did what I had to. I snapped at you before you had a chance. But each time I felt so bad because you suddenly became so nice-again. It’s a cycle and I don’t want to play this game with you anymore. Do I have a choice? No.
I was once in the car of this great man and he said that love entitles you to be used. When you love someone, you give the person the right to hurt you and use you- whether you like it or not. And that is why though I hate the fact that I feel used, I still love you. And though I started out pissed and angry, after typing everything out, I feel so much better and I am back to loving you!When we cease to love, we cease to have life because the beauty of life is loving God and loving man.
‘For we move from death to life by loving one another’
‘By these shall all man see that you are my disciples – that you love one another as I have loved you’
- Béni soit ton Nom -
The reason I am probably like what I am now, angry and actually hurt on the inside is because this heart of mine has been hurt. It was once vulnerable, open to love and to be loved. Naively thinking that things have changed for the better and things just magically gets better and fall into place beautifully as people grow up. I thought we put behind all the childish acts and we were young then- it was understandable. I thought my dream, hope and fervent prayer has been answered. But I was lifted up so high and threw down badly. And I hurt myself in the process. I was angry because I feel like a fool. I opened my heart and became vulnerable. When one’s heart is open and vulnerable, that is when the heart is most easily wounded, wounded deep.
I thought that life suddenly became so beautiful in that few weeks. I thought it would last forever- that I will not be snapped at anymore. Though it was not the best, I thought it has improved tremendously.To protect myself, I did what I had to. I snapped at you before you had a chance. But each time I felt so bad because you suddenly became so nice-again. It’s a cycle and I don’t want to play this game with you anymore. Do I have a choice? No.
I was once in the car of this great man and he said that love entitles you to be used. When you love someone, you give the person the right to hurt you and use you- whether you like it or not. And that is why though I hate the fact that I feel used, I still love you. And though I started out pissed and angry, after typing everything out, I feel so much better and I am back to loving you!When we cease to love, we cease to have life because the beauty of life is loving God and loving man.
‘For we move from death to life by loving one another’
‘By these shall all man see that you are my disciples – that you love one another as I have loved you’
- Béni soit ton Nom -
posted by Grace @ Thursday, May 28, 2009
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