It hurts to the core.

i hope that this will be an endurable one week.

Hey You, Yes You, Im Looking At You.

Hello! Once again, picture uploads.. of MYSELF! BAA :)

sometimes i think I'm a narcissist ;p cant help it. now that Dad passed me the cam, i bring it out with me. or i should say, at least i tried. for a week. im not really a person who goes around with the camera and start snapping pictures of everything and everyone :p so, at least i tried. for a week. After which it is chuck aside. somewhere in one of my bags :D

Yup, i changed my blog skin. and i did not edit it at all. took my tagboard away cause i lazy to go and look at all the codes and find where to put in. the usual me would change this change that but i cant be bothered anymore.. so though this isnt the ideal, but nah. its just an outlet for me to blog, whenever i can. not like ppl leave much comments anyway. Haha.

Gawd, dont u just love the violin. they cost like close to 5,6 digits la! awesome. the sound it produces is.. awesomeee.. i wana get a new violin, a good one when i turn 21 :)

oh yea, that shall be in my 21st bdae wishlist. HAHA. a pat on my back cause i managed to pick my violin up this week.

something bad happened this week :( in the bloody train. one stupid man came and like happily stick his body to mine. damn it.. i can feel his @#$% and i tried to use my elbow to like keep him at a distance -.- though it didnt help much but at least he doesnt STICK STICK that badly. damn it. bad bad experience. and it made me cry after that. HAHA. i know, it doesnt sound so serious right.. but its just more to it la..

but this brought me closer to me dad :)

for the first time in my life, i hear my dad cried while talking about an incident that happened to me when i was younger..

when my parents separated, i was 'thrown' into the childcare center. and i wasnt allowed to meet my dad, and my dad wasnt allowed to see me, not even to talk to me through the window. but tt fateful day, he came to visit me.. yup, 'visit' me. it doesnt sound nice at all even as im typing it out. why would a parent need to 'visit' a child.. *roll eyes*

sounds like im in jail or something. oh yea, come to think of it, yes. it is like a prison to me. im caged inside with no freedom.

and the day he came to visit me, i felt damn guilty. cause rmb, i wasnt ALLOWED to see him. so i cried.. i didnt know what to do.. and we nvr got the chance to talk.. for the first time in my life, as i was talkin to my dad on the phone telling him about what happened and askin him, why was he nvr there to protect me when i was growin up. that i got bullied and i had to fend for myself..

then he said.. 'girl, dun cry.. the cry that u have now is the same cry u cried when u were at the childcare. and it breaks my heart. i've ever told u that my heart was so painful as i watch u cry.. and i walked away crying too..' as my dad recounted the incident, he started crying.. i just.. continued to cry cause i was already crying. haha.

for the first time my dad cried :( but it was a sweet moment.. i felt closer to him :) and i know, my dad loves me.

sigh, but that caused another problem...

i shall not elaborate.

sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh. why must the children bear the consequences of the sin of the parents. and have to clear up their shit. why must they be so irresponsible and cause the children so much hurts and pain and trauma.

LOVE?

think again.

Love is not simply a four letter word. it is proven in every single action.

(M says i look like im wearing pyjamas. so i told her to take a picture so i can see for myself. NO, it does not look like a pyjamas. TY.)

is life fair? nope. Life is unfair to me. but there are more ppl whose life is more 'unfair' than mine. Do i have the right to be angry, to point my fingers at God, to get angry? nope.

the pastor shared on Sunday that even if God doesnt give us what we want, we have no RIGHT to be disappointed with Him. cause He is God. im not His God. He is not a genie in a bottle to answer all my wishes.

i just suddenly figured out that it will be quite cool if u my friends, would like to ask me any question about my life, or any questions, or any topic that u'd like to hear my views on. but im lazy to add the cbox in. so if really there is, then u can just me an email. grace_91@hotmail.com. just just put the title of the email as... BLOG? something along that line so i will read it and not treat it as some junk email.

but if there isnt, then its okay. i will just go on with my rantings whenever i feel like it :)

its saturday now. and i appreciate the time i have to myself right now to just blog and think about my life and just transfer whatever that is in my mind to the tip of my fingers as i just type non stop.

at this moment, im thinking, why do ppl read my blog.. and if they do, do they enjoy reading it?

I for one, read ppl's blog cause im just K-PO, or that im so bored i duno where else to go except facebook :P

I wonder if reading my blog will make me think. or they just like to read about my life, and step into my shoes.. i think this world is a lonely cold world. and i wish so much that i could be there for the ppl who are hurting and low and down.. i wish i could be their comfort, their listenin ear. but im only that limited.. my heart is very much for the ppl.. ppl who are brokened like me, who went through shit and trauma and pain. i wana tell them that they are not alone, and they've got me by their side to stand by them through this life... for that, i thank God for the experience i go through. though yea, it feels really unfair.. but i could touch the lives of many who are 'untouchable'.. i wana be a testimony to them, that in their life there can still be this word: HOPE.

okay, im just ranting. dun really know what im trying to say or if it makes sense.

the way you brush your fingers against my hair.

I desperately need to do something to my blog skin.

Life's been good. im blogging from my office :D but cant change my blogskin here cause the computer is mad. doesnt allow me to download new skins :( but nonetheless, i shall do a brief update.

Gona be back in school in saturday... cause of some SIP compulsory meeting... time is passing really fast now. like day by day and soon u realise yet another week is gone.

i think what i would say of my life now is that im enjoying every moment of it. and yes, i do worry about the future, but im glad i get to enjoy the present now more than ever. actually its pretty much a good feeling. to be able to enjoy the present. i used to spent my life worrying about the future and wasting my present away. and soon when i look back, i just wasted precious moments of my life away.

i think i can say that im a contented girl now.

and im thankful for everything and anything in my life now :)

xoxo,

Gracey.