when the rubber meets the road.

i'd never be ready or prepare enough to be prepared.

I think.

The longest ride ever.

Class was awesome today. Had Breakie with 3Musks this morning at macs and we did our verses! YAY! :D was awesome cause today we had no agenda for class. it was a day of repentance, a day of returning back to our First Love, Jesus.

The heart is so prone to wander isn't it?

Today is the day that i could truly move on...

Initially i wanted Jesus in my life cause He is a God of miracles. I come to Him cause He can bless me with great results, great career, successful life. wonderful marriage, outstanding children etc. I embrace Jesus and declare that i love Him because He could give me what I want. The things i desire so much. how often did i say that Lord I love you with all my heart soul mind and strength. yet the unspoken was that, Lord I love what you can give to me with all my heart soul mind and strength. My love for Him was conditional. If you give me this, i will love you. if you give me that, i will be failthful to You.

But yet this isnt the relationship Christ died to have with me... He didnt die for me on the cross so that i will have a conditional relationship with Him based on what He can give me. I never really understood the fact that i was only after the gifts and blessings. I thought i was a heroine. ' O God, i will love you even if you take everything away' was the 'cry of my heart'. 'o lord, you are all that I live for everyday'. What lies i sing daily... I said I love You Lord and only You when there so many other gods inmy heart. The devil knows he cant get us to deny Jesus and bow down to him so he made us have other gods ALONG with Christ.

So the truth is this. it arent simply ' Lord i love you ' . It is ' Lord, i love you, along with my bf, my psp, shopping, eating, sleeping etc'. now, who can say i dun love God?! Of course i love God! its just tha tt i love many other things along with loving God.

I never knew i bore a grudge against Him for so long. I knew my heart has hardened and wasnt soft to His voice anymore. I tried. Itried to get back, get some feeling back into my heart and squeeze some tears out. and after that, i feel so tired i wana sleep. While people around me are so excited and on fire to be ask God to use them, i dont have that passion at all. i was bewildered. i didnt understand.

At the youth conference last night, the pastor asked if we would lay down our life for Jesus to use us. if we would, run to the altar. I knew and i knew that every cell within me didnt meant it when i stood by the altar. it was just because i wanted prayer and well, to not be stared at by people that i didnt respond. Lay down my life? it arent just four simple words to me. it pays a price. and i have gain alittle more insight and wisdom through the years to know that it arent simply four beautiful words that sound pleasant to the ears. One commitment, a life time of burning and dying to my own desires and wishes and way of life.

In my heart i didnt wana come near God. Cause coming near Him spelled pain. I was angry and bitter because when i came near, i lost many things. Ps. im not trying to scare anyone ok. God is a great God. and He loves me. It just that He loves me and trains me so i can be a mighty warrior that can be used by Him. Its just that the training is so tough...

this season, the dormant voice and thought in me is that i think im so damn sway compared to my friends. but the Lord calmed the storm in me today... I saw the holy spirit upon me, beside me and withim me. He told me that I am not alone and HE is with me and that the tougher the situation, the more the amount of grace is upon my life. That is why my name is called grace. That God's grace upon me will be so evident to everyone around me. and i know this is so true.

HAVE YOU MISSED IT ALL?
What does a man gain to profit the whole world but loses his soul?

Has chasing the blessings that God can give me or holding on to them so tightly caused me to lose my sights and missed it all? its all about Him...

I let go...
Cause dear Lord, it is all about you. Come and be my constant guide and comfort, all the days of my life. and help me to never miss it all and be clouded in my thoughts and sights... cause me to know the Father heart of God and draw me ever closer to you.
Amen