Psalm 73

1 Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong.
5 They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice; in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance.
11 They say, "How can God know? Does the Most High have knowledge?"
12 This is what the wicked are like—always carefree, they increase in wealth.
13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been plagued;I have been punished every morning.
15 If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny.
18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors!
20 As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O Lord, you will despise them as fantasies.
21 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Dear all, I felt so much better after talking to Uncle James about my recent struggle, a common struggle that i guess many will go through. Right, Besties? (:

Although i often struggle with having one foot in the world and one foot in the kingdom, i never really 'got out of it'. Its a constant struggle that visits me every now and then and cause me to have mood swings. When i don't have these struggles, I'd be so in love with God, at my height. Then one fine day these thoughts start to invade my mind and i began to doubt, AGAIN. I doubt my salvation, doubt God, doubt my choice. 'What was i doing?' I'd ask myself. I'd question my faith, my trust in God. my salvation. 'Why aren't I out there? With the populars, the 'in' people'. Sometimes I'd chuck the issue aside and move on in life. But seriously, you wont move far before these whole 'whats the meaning of life' begin to haunt you again. Slowly, the heart starts to wander and look at all the fun that people are having. Well, sometimes i do succeed in psycho-ing myself that life is good with God, that I'm on the right side of life.

But anyway, i spoke to uncle James, my spiritual Dad from vancouver ( YAY!) and he showed me psalms 73 ( refer to above) I felt so good when i just started to explore the psalm. It felt as if all my feelings were sumed up in this psalm. The feeling of injustice that Im missing out in life. Of the happiness that people are having while clubbing and smoking etc. They seemed like the happiest, no sorrow. Just live life 'my way'. No commandments to abide to, no 'no this, no that' to restrict what they wana/can do. They seem to have no burden. They have all the friends around them. They have anything they want, from wealth to friends to relationships. What the crap, i would think.

I failed to see how blessed I am. How my life is transformed after entering class. How I had the privellege to 'stand on my mentor's shoulders' and see things beyond my age. I see how many people made the wrong mistakes in life and had to live the consequences. How i was so blessed to avold those pitfalls, to learn from the mistakes of others and not have to bang my head against the wall and learnt from the hurts and pains. I was spared. Spared from guilt, from sin, from shame. I was rescued to a life of purity, a life that leads to only one destiny- success.

While others are out there struggling with life, I have no problems knowing what my life will be, who I am, who i gna be. I know for sure that i'd be sucessful, my children will be successful. I know that im blessed. I have people around me who believed in me. I have a community who watches over me and pray me into success. who believes in me. how many people have such privellege? i have many counsellors around me to guide me so that i will not follow their mistakes. DAMN. What else can i say but... 'wo shen zai fu zong bu zhi fu'.