Dear awesome people, I had one of my most awesome moments in my life, today. A day that id never ever ever ever forget. A day that i will look back one day with tears. You may never be able to comprehend just how i feel at this moment, the feeling of awe that it all happened (:
I wished that time would stop when it all happened. i wish i could relive this day a million times over again. I wish i could re-experience the feeling of being on stage with hundreds of pair of eyes looking down at you, where the spotlights are focused on you, where you are the STAR. I'd not trade anything for this experience. I may not have the best voice to deserve to be up there, i may have screwed myself up there, but i thank God that it all happened this way. For things that just divinely fall into place. I cant believe it all happened.
The days of rehearsal of staying back to just practice, the different moments i had to battle with my self esteem and to slowly build up my confidence. The times when i felt inferior to her, and just feel as if i pale in comparison. The number of times i had to fight my thoughts to think right. It felt like all was nothing when i was right there, up on the stage enjoying every bit of it. those few minutes of limelight, it was all worth it. At that moment, we were friends complementing each other. she was my teacher, she was my partner. she shared my joy, she shared my experience. The giant that I used to fear so much...
Had dinner w E ytd, ( hey stalker! :P i know you are reading my blog! haha ) and he asked me if i wana become a singer and at that moment, i replied him that no, it is not my dream. If i am not a christian, i may wana be a singer. but if i was never a christian, i would never have known that i could sing- till an angel in disguise prophesy over me that i will one day be a worship leader. it was then i know that God has given me the voice and i began to explore with it. and today, i could be up there because it happened back day in 2004 when someone believed in me. i knew that it was not a predominated thought. it was a revelation. something that i heard for myself the very first time too. surly God knows about the struggles and temptations that lay await before me.
After the performance, many people commented that we did a great job and we have great voices. And many asked if we were in any singing Diva cca etc and some lecturers requested that they should put us up to perform more often and they enjoyed us so much. As the compliments came pouring in, lavishly showered upon us, I cant help but think at the back of my head that all of you refered to HER. not me. they were just being courteous. cause we were standing beside each other so politely they would say 'you girls have a great voice!' but i'd think that 'hey, i know you mean you - refering to her and not me.
Then a guy approached me and introduced himself and said that he is helping his sister out. He asked if i am attending any singing lessons out there etc. He said that his sister works in this industry that searches for talents in singapore and trains them up to be a star. Again at the back of my head, still feeling that she is better, i repeatedly told him go look for her. But he shut me up with his reply that yes, he will look for her himself. I wasnt interested about being a star and being groomed. but i felt flattered that i was spotted.
In just one year, so many things could happen. i can never imagine that one year ago, whilst i was up there in the auditorium competing i would be here up at TCC performing. if i had never taken the step then to join the competition then i would never be here at this stage cause my friend knew i could sing from the competition, which eventually i took over her this time... amazing isnt it? last year this time when i lost and got third, i was pissed with God. Cause i prayed and heard Him tell me to join the competition. i thought that with His consent, with His support, surly He has a plan. which naturally with the carnal mind id think that His plan was for me to get first.
My pride couldnt take it that i got third. i cried. and i got angry with Him. But this year this time, He surly has a plan. He saw how one year later id be here performing to an audition of hundreds. In this journey, i built my self esteem. of course inevitably there are still many condemning and inferior voices within me, making me feel really worthless. But life is a journey and i can never be perfect. im not perfect. I struggle like shit like any humans would. I struggle that people out there are prettier, richer, smarter. I struggle with inferiorty just too often. the only difference? God is in my life to teach me to value myself. He gave value to me. Im purchased by His blood, His life. Jesus is real, and He speaks to me, and teaches me the right way to think. He is here to hold my hands each time i am weak. He is my strength.
Its easy to let success enter my head and think that all this is possible because I did it. Its easy to conveniently forget that God was the reason why and how it could all happen. I have a struggle to want to chase after fame and popularity. perhaps i can really be a star now that i am spotted isnt it? id think that something BIG out there awaits me. what am i doing here Grace? But i will often fall back on what i told E. that it all happened because Christ found me. This day would never come without Him. Its all about Him.
I wished that time would stop when it all happened. i wish i could relive this day a million times over again. I wish i could re-experience the feeling of being on stage with hundreds of pair of eyes looking down at you, where the spotlights are focused on you, where you are the STAR. I'd not trade anything for this experience. I may not have the best voice to deserve to be up there, i may have screwed myself up there, but i thank God that it all happened this way. For things that just divinely fall into place. I cant believe it all happened.
The days of rehearsal of staying back to just practice, the different moments i had to battle with my self esteem and to slowly build up my confidence. The times when i felt inferior to her, and just feel as if i pale in comparison. The number of times i had to fight my thoughts to think right. It felt like all was nothing when i was right there, up on the stage enjoying every bit of it. those few minutes of limelight, it was all worth it. At that moment, we were friends complementing each other. she was my teacher, she was my partner. she shared my joy, she shared my experience. The giant that I used to fear so much...
Had dinner w E ytd, ( hey stalker! :P i know you are reading my blog! haha ) and he asked me if i wana become a singer and at that moment, i replied him that no, it is not my dream. If i am not a christian, i may wana be a singer. but if i was never a christian, i would never have known that i could sing- till an angel in disguise prophesy over me that i will one day be a worship leader. it was then i know that God has given me the voice and i began to explore with it. and today, i could be up there because it happened back day in 2004 when someone believed in me. i knew that it was not a predominated thought. it was a revelation. something that i heard for myself the very first time too. surly God knows about the struggles and temptations that lay await before me.
After the performance, many people commented that we did a great job and we have great voices. And many asked if we were in any singing Diva cca etc and some lecturers requested that they should put us up to perform more often and they enjoyed us so much. As the compliments came pouring in, lavishly showered upon us, I cant help but think at the back of my head that all of you refered to HER. not me. they were just being courteous. cause we were standing beside each other so politely they would say 'you girls have a great voice!' but i'd think that 'hey, i know you mean you - refering to her and not me.
Then a guy approached me and introduced himself and said that he is helping his sister out. He asked if i am attending any singing lessons out there etc. He said that his sister works in this industry that searches for talents in singapore and trains them up to be a star. Again at the back of my head, still feeling that she is better, i repeatedly told him go look for her. But he shut me up with his reply that yes, he will look for her himself. I wasnt interested about being a star and being groomed. but i felt flattered that i was spotted.
One year ago, song writing competition, 2008 July.
one year later, 2009, august.
W the salvo boys (: Great bunch of people to crap and hang out with
cause they are full of crap like this.
In just one year, so many things could happen. i can never imagine that one year ago, whilst i was up there in the auditorium competing i would be here up at TCC performing. if i had never taken the step then to join the competition then i would never be here at this stage cause my friend knew i could sing from the competition, which eventually i took over her this time... amazing isnt it? last year this time when i lost and got third, i was pissed with God. Cause i prayed and heard Him tell me to join the competition. i thought that with His consent, with His support, surly He has a plan. which naturally with the carnal mind id think that His plan was for me to get first.
My pride couldnt take it that i got third. i cried. and i got angry with Him. But this year this time, He surly has a plan. He saw how one year later id be here performing to an audition of hundreds. In this journey, i built my self esteem. of course inevitably there are still many condemning and inferior voices within me, making me feel really worthless. But life is a journey and i can never be perfect. im not perfect. I struggle like shit like any humans would. I struggle that people out there are prettier, richer, smarter. I struggle with inferiorty just too often. the only difference? God is in my life to teach me to value myself. He gave value to me. Im purchased by His blood, His life. Jesus is real, and He speaks to me, and teaches me the right way to think. He is here to hold my hands each time i am weak. He is my strength.
Its easy to let success enter my head and think that all this is possible because I did it. Its easy to conveniently forget that God was the reason why and how it could all happen. I have a struggle to want to chase after fame and popularity. perhaps i can really be a star now that i am spotted isnt it? id think that something BIG out there awaits me. what am i doing here Grace? But i will often fall back on what i told E. that it all happened because Christ found me. This day would never come without Him. Its all about Him.
posted by Grace @ Friday, August 07, 2009
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